Being "Inferior"

Last night, I had what can only be described as a truly humiliating discussion with a "friend." (There's a reason that word is in quotation marks. Bear with me.)

A little background is necessary. I hang out with three straight women and occasionally go to dinner with them. I met G and M through Judy. G introduced me to L. I found out recently that M didn't realize that I'm gay. (L and G have known for ages.) I made an offhand comment about a woman I'd been innocently flirting with and M got this really shocked look on her face. G realized that M wasn't in on the not-so-secret secret and told me as much. So, I told M as nonchalantly as possible that I'm gay. She recovered well and has acted normally ever since. G, on the other hand, has the impression that M was put off by my revelation despite the fact that she hasn't actually discussed it with her. That led to the aforementioned humiliating discussion.

G, M, L and I had discussed going out to dinner at this Lebanese place in town. Unfortunately, it had to be rescheduled. So, when I ran into G last night, I brought up dinner. G threw out her theory about M's supposed disgust at my homosexuality and then dropped the big bomb. She's apparently worried that M will ask about my sexual orientation at dinner and we'd end up in a conversation about it, a discussion that would apparently be extremely embarassing for G.

No, she's not concerned that I'll discuss actual sex acts. I'm far too discrete for that. (Note that M didn't even know after hanging out with me off and on for nearly a year.) She's concerned that the very topic of my being gay will be discussed. She also admitted that she'd be embarassed if either her gay son or her gay daughter talked about being gay in public. Of course, I'm sure her straight son can discuss whatever he wants.

So, I ended up being lectured on how I "speak freely" about being gay. In other words, if dating comes up in conversation, I use the correct pronouns and refer to the experience of dating women. Apparently I needed some "friendly" advice on how to remember my place. I remembered alright.

I made my excuses as quickly as possible and fled to my apartment in utter shock. I'm not ashamed to admit I cried. It's hard not to when you've just been reminded that to some people, you'll never be much more than a dyke and that even the supposedly "gay friendly" consider you inferior and a public embarassment. The most humiliating part of the whole thing is that I walked away.

I'll give myself credit for the fact that I was shocked, but really I shouldn't have been. It's happened before to me and many of the gay people I know. There's a good reason apparently that many of them avoid friendships with straight people.

I've been paranoid all day about the rest of my straight "friends," wondering if they actually deserve the title or if they're just covering up their homophobia like G was. I have to snap out of it. In my heart, I know that many of my longtime straight friends are behind me one hundred percent. Considering the alternative, I should be grateful for that, not questioning their friendship. But it's hard not to...