The Cult of Melinda

The gAyTM is closed! No gay rights, no gay $$$!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Relationships: Who Needs 'Em?

There's been a lot of talking lately with friends about one of the biggest decisions in my life, giving up women. No, not going straight, just giving up on the dating scene with all the drama and wasted effort.

I've never been exceptionally good at moving from the chase to settling down. When the moment comes, I never seem to seal the deal. Often, I don't even realize the moment's there until it's passed. This has left me alone more often than not.

Strangely, in the moments when I'm not alone, I somehow manage to be with the woman everyone wants, wondering how the hell I got there and trying to figure out how to keep what just landed in my lap (sometimes literally). Usually, I end up with bragging rights, a broken heart and a bruised ego.

Did I mention the "What the fuck just happened?" afterburn? Women tend to be a bit strange with me or maybe they're always strange and I just haven't noticed. Still, I think it's odd for a woman to say no then get upset because I've accepted her answer, to say "Let's just be friends." then get angry when I go on a date with someone else, to say "Let's just be friends." then get angry that I treat her as a friend instead of a lover, to literally crawl all over me then push me away when I reciprocate, to dump me for someone else then spend years telling me that I'm "the one", to dump me but tell everyone who'll listen how wonderful I am and how much she misses me, to "go straight" then tell every one within earshot that I'm the only one who could make her go back to women... Is it just me?

If it weren't for the happy couples I know, I'd think that such a thing doesn't exist. Yet, even though I know it's possible, I'm not prone to think it's possible for me. Especially now that I'm ill.

Facing what may be the last years or even last months of my life, I don't know if a medical miracle will save me or if I'll manage to pull through this with that Melinda magic that's gotten me through so many other brushes with death or if this is really the end of Melinda luck once and for all. What I do know is that it makes things even more complicated.

When I first found out that my heart just wasn't working properly anymore, some friends told me to keep it to myself, just don't tell any potentials that I was ill until I landed them. But it's not exactly a thing that's easy to hide. How do I explain the pills and the monitor? How do I explain why I'm clutching my chest and struggling for breath? How do I explain all of my physical limitations? Would fleeing from the room at the first sign of trouble make me look mysterious in a good way or just plain nuts?

And to be honest, I just don't have the energy anymore to figure it all out and cope with the aftermath of inevitable failures. I don't even have the energy to deal with what happens if I succeed.

So, I'm done. The world will keep on turning after I've gone. Women will keep on getting laid even when I'm not there to send them roses and buy them dinner. Beautiful women will find other lesbians to tell them they're beautiful. And the guys will just have to deal with hearing rehashings of my old glory days with no new tales for me to tell over a cold beer. I'm sure it'll be a while before the story of my winning a hot Turkish woman in a game of pool gets old.

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