The Cult of Melinda

The gAyTM is closed! No gay rights, no gay $$$!

Sunday, May 27, 2007

A Note from the Author

Apparently, the rules have not been made clear, so I will take this opportunity to clarify a few of them here for certain people who seem to have a problem understanding. (Yes, Rob, this means you.)

1. The author retains the right to call imaginary dibs on any beautiful woman within a 500 mile radius OR any beautiful woman who may come to the author's attention via the mass media. The author also retains the right to create an actual category of dib-calling referred to as imaginary dibs.

2. The author--out of due respect for her subjects... ahem... fellow woman-lovers --will only call actual dibs on all beautiful feminine gay and bisexual women within a 500 mile radius.

3. No one is permitted to question the author's right to call imaginary or actual dibs on any beautiful woman regardless of whether said beautiful woman fits the standards set forth in rules 1 and 2. (Again, Rob, this means you.)

4. Even if the author does not specifically vocalize her intent to call imaginary or actual dibs on a beautiful woman who does or does not meet the standards set forth in rules 1 and 2, you must assume that the author intends to make such a call in any case where the woman is indeed beautiful. Thus, you must seek the permission of the author to call dibs on any beautiful woman who could prospectively be claimed by the author pursuant to the regulations set forth in the relevant Guy Rules and in the constitution of the Lesbian Shadow Government.

This post serves as legal notice under the Article III, Section IV of the Code of the Lesbian Shadow Government. All declarations within said legal notice are binding on all officers of the Lesbian Court of Jurisprudence and all who may be now or in the future subject to Guy Rules.


Blogger Rob the Webkahunah said...

I refuse to recognize the authority of your so called 'Lesbian Shadow Government' as several the laws put forth in your treatise are in direct conflict with articles 7 and 8 of Man Law 23, and of course a direct violation of Man Law 4... ahem...

Man law 4- Thou shalt not call out another man by name when pointing out violations of man law.

Man law 23, article 7- No imaginary dibs, ever.

Man law 23, article 8- Mass media chicks are called dibs on a first come, first served basis... no backsies. In the rare case of simultainious dibs, the chick in question will be awarded to the winner of a vigorous game of rock/paper/scissors.

Not to mention, I could totally throw Man Law 37 in your face, but won't.

Man Law 37: anyone who has by right or birth been awarded the title "Big Kahunah" by his peers shall not be questioned in his interpretation of Man Law.

All arguments against Man Law may be submitted in triplicate to Burt Renyolds or Chuck Norris for review by the Man Law council.

8:45 AM  
Blogger Stacey said...

Y'all are too funny, man.

10:20 AM  
Blogger Melinda Barton said...

Excuse me, but as an officially designated honorary lesbian (a title bestowed upon you by a duly sworn officer of the Lesbian Shadow Government, a title you willingly accepted) makes you subject to the laws of the Lesbian Shadow Government, which gives biological lesbians prominence in all lesbian-related affairs. I'd also like to quote Man Law 69: Never question a guy with a nice rack and a cult!

10:52 AM  
Blogger Rob the Webkahunah said...

Excuse me, but that's man law 67. Man Law 69 simply states "heh heh heh... 69".

Sadly for your argument, Man Law trumps lesbian related affairs in all matters involving imaginary girlfriends, spouses, etc., as long as the person doing the imaging has a penis, detachable or not.

I would like to invoke at this time the ritual quote of Man Boy Nelson Muntz in saying "Hah-hah."

Truly though, we must reach an accord on this matter, lest the peace brokered at the Geveva Porn Convention so long ago between the Men and their lesbian sisters come undone.

12:45 PM  
Blogger Melinda Barton said...

Yes, you're right, of course. The Treaty of Herthighs must be maintained. How about this? I'm allowed to call non-binding imaginary dibs for the sake of entertainment on all hot mass-media types and binding dibs on any and all gay women anywhere PLUS all bisexual women within a 500 mile radius. You get to call binding dibs on all heterosexual women anywhere and similarly non-binding imaginary dibs for the sake of entertainment on mass-media women EXCEPT those who've played lesbians on TV or in the movies and lesbian icons like Nancy McKeon.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Canardius said...

What about the secret protocols of the treaty, calling for a Non-Aggression Pact and peace betwixt all lovers of women?

I also must advise the webkahunah that ex post facto laws are invalid, so there are no "backsies".

As a cousin of the famous lesbian Christina Vasa, Queen of Sweden, I have a royal prerogative due to my lineage to Charlemagne to call for the first night with any woman under my lordship.

12:41 PM  
Blogger Rob the Webkahunah said...

But does that effect imaginary first nights? I think not.

I am willing to cede you these points dear Melinda, if a proviso can be made that in such case that ANY lesbian imaginary girlfriends become through effort or act of G-d become ACTUAL girlfriends, I may be allowed full photo access, and first run pay-per rights in north america.

1:08 PM  
Blogger Melinda Barton said...

Considering that I have surrendered my right as an officer of the LSG to have an ACTUAL girlfriend, I'd be willing to concede that. Fat chance on ever collecting. haha

5:16 AM  
Blogger Melinda Barton said...

Duck, first nights were abandoned with Christianity, weren't they?

5:17 AM  
Blogger Canardius said...

Christianity is really a grafting of monotheism onto preexisting motifs such as Mithras, Pantheism, and solstice worship, and the Merovingian kings counted descent from more than one Pontifex Maximus of republican Rome [several in the Valerius family, since Matthias Corvinus, King of Hungary, published a pedigree going back to Valerius Corvinus]. Ergo, The right to first night is not invalidated by the new power of this religion.

And where the Pontifex Maximus went, so the Vestal Virgins followed.

The lesbian shadow government, like many such shadow councils, has many members of the bloodline in key secret positions.

Lest we forget,

Man Law 72: Whosoever executes a successful raid on a campus bell for his birthday shall be rewarded with his friends serving as wingmen unto him.

3:07 PM  

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