The Cult of Melinda

The gAyTM is closed! No gay rights, no gay $$$!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Twin Sex, Genetics and the Theory of Relativity

I'm a horrible person. I admit it. But so is Angela, who is partially responsible for the following cleaned-up, half-remembered conversation. I've removed the parts where I was cracking up so hard I was crying and Angela had to make sure I could still breathe.

Anywho, Angela and I were discussing the many problems with how "The L Word" represents lesbian life and life in general when Angela brought up an episode where the character Shane had brought home identical twins from the bar, was too depressed to get down, and had them entertain her by "entertaining" each other. I hadn't remembered that they were twins, but that didn't stop me from pulling insanity out of my ass.

Angela: "I have no problems with sleeping with sisters separately. But having sex with twins simulataneously or having them have sex with each other is incest. It's perverted. Even Shane isn't that disgusting."

Me: "I'd have sex with twins. Think about it. If they're identical twins, then genetically, it's masturbation!"

LOTS OF MAD LAUGHTER HERE.

Angela: "You can't have sex with twins! It's incest."

Me: "How is that any different from having Future Melinda come back in time to have sex with me?"*

Angela: "Because one of them isn't from the future! They're from the same time period. And they're NOT the same person!"

MORE MAD LAUGHTER AND IRRELEVANT PRATTLING HERE

Angela: "You know Liz is an identical twin."

Me: "You should tell her. Tell her that if they have sex, it's masturbation."

Angela: "I'm not telling her that. She'd think I'd lost my fucking mind."

I TRY IN VAIN TO GET ANGELA TO SPREAD THE GOSPEL OF TWIN SEX TO HER GIRLFRIEND, LIZ.

Me: "Wait. If I have sex with twins, then genetically, I'm having sex with the same person at the same time but at two different points in space. It's like a space-time distortion!"

Angela: "Great. You've proved the theory of relativity but you're going to end up getting arrested for a sex crime."

Me: "Having sex with twins isn't a sex crime. Wait... Did you mean that pun intentionally or was that accidental?"

Angela: "What? Oh... It wasn't intentional. These things always happen to me. I screamed the theory of relativity at the wrong time!"

MORE MAD LAUGHTER.

Me: "But you know. To prove the theory of relativity through twin sex, I'd have to have sex with one while she was on earth and the other on a spaceship traveling at the speed of light."

Angela: "You could be on the space shuttle with one and be having cyber sex with the other."

THIS DOESN'T SIT WELL WITH ME. AFTER ALL, THE TIME DISTORTION BETWEEN THE TWO POINTS IN SPACE WOULD MAKE CYBER SEX IMPOSSIBLE USING CURRENT TECHNOLOGIES.

Me: "Wait... Theoretically, this could work IF twins exhibited spooky action at a distance!"

ANGELA HAD A FUNNY COMEBACK TO THAT ONE BUT I DON'T REMEMBER IT WELL ENOUGH TO DO IT JUSTICE HERE.

Me: "You know, Einstein came up with the theory of relativity by dreaming of traveling on a beam of light. I could win the Nobel Prize for developing a scientific theory I came up with by imagining twins having sex!"

MORE IRRELEVANT STRANGENESS

Angela: "You know that this is the reason countries like Iran stone lesbians. It's because of people like us!"

*NOTE: Angela and I, in a previous discussion, worked out that I could only find out if the rumors about my mad lesbian skills were true if I came back in time to have sex with myself. We differed on whether Future Melinda should have sex with Past Melinda or Present Melinda. Personally, I thought Past Melinda would be too busy screaming, "What did you do to my body, you bitch!? How long has it been since you've had sex, again? Fuck! Our vagina destroyed what?!" to get her groove on. Ultimately, I really don't think Past Melinda would give Future Melinda the time of day.

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