The Cult of Melinda

The gAyTM is closed! No gay rights, no gay $$$!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Rob Made Me Do It!

Weird Facts About Melinda

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?: Barbecued grilled chicken sandwich with grilled onions and bleu cheese. Fries on the side. Mixed berry creme brulee for dessert.
DO YOU SNORE?: Occasionally
LOVER OR A FIGHTER?:
Both to some degree, but I do A LOT more damage when I'm a lover...
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?:
Gummi bears
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER?:
As a kid?
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"?:
Most of it is mind-numbing trash that could only appeal to juvenile sensibilities. Sorry, but it's true.
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?:
only if I'm trying to quit smoking
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?:
hell yeah.
HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?:
eh... I have to reserve comment here...
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?:
black and white
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?:
Yep. Mezzo soprano usually.
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?:
Nope.
ANY SECRET TALENTS?:
If only you knew the many things I can do.
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?:
Judy's bedroom.
HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI?:
Only vegetarian. Raw fish is not quite my thing. (NO SMART COMMENTS, ROB!)
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?:
Nope.
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?:
Yeah, I'm kind of pale. I definitely need the ozone to be hole-free!
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?: 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?:
Only when I'm drunk
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?:
In an airplane. Yes. On an airplane? That's top secret.
ARE SPEEDO'S HOT?:
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?:
Sometimes, ya jest gotta eat.
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?:
Probably not legally...
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?:
Sometimes.
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?:
black mold, pollen, dust mites, eggs, wheat.... etc.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU":
romantically? 5 and 1/2 years ago or so. Non-romantically probably a couple weeks ago.
IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?:
No, I busted a cap in that fool years ago.
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?:
bwahahahahahah!!!!!!!!
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?:
rancheros--over well
ARE BLONDES DUMB?:
Excuse me?!!!!!! Are you callin' me dumb?
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?:
In some stalker's hope chest.
WHAT TIME IS IT?:
2:38 pm EST
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?:
G-d's gift to the world
IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?:
tasting? Not really. Knowing the ingredients? Absolutely.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?:
Last Friday.
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?:
Showers.
IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?:
Define real.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?:
No, the light is much scarier.
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?:
nicotine and nice asses.
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?:
A couple of times, with lights and sirens and everything. .
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?:
once.
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?:
Define "drug"... Cause verapamil and atenolol ROCK!!!!!!!
ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?:
Yes
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
I DO NOT CRY.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?:
eh... sometimes.
WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER?:
a whole hell of a lot of people.
ARE YOU PSYCHIC?:
Not even a little bit.
HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?:
Yes.
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?:
djimbe, bongos, etc. Love percussion
CAN YOU SKATEBOARD?:
Used to. Would probably fall on my rather sizeable derrierre at this point.
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?:
Not anymore.
DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH?:
Sometimes.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?:
Define magic. sometimes yes. sometimes no.
IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?:
No, that would be a robot.
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?:
It's fine for other people.
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?:
half-assed white girl version.
DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?:
No, cause I AM Gay.
DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?:
Yes.
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?:
all of them.
DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?:
No...
FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?:
More into vocalists and classical instrumentals

Fortune of the Day

My Fortune Cookie told me:
Take time today to pay more attention to your imaginary friends.
Get a cookie from Miss Fortune


Can you tell that my work can get very boring?

Melinda's Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Venerable Lady Melinda the Essential of Bartonhurst in the River
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title


Oddly coincidental since I didn't give my last name. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.........

Saturday, January 20, 2007

FLASHBACK: The Melinda Moment

Okay, I said I'd explain the "Melinda moment" or "pulling a Melinda". Let's just say I'm not extraordinarily gifted at picking up certain social cues, especially romantic ones. I have been known, on rare occasions... Okay, stop the snickering... to completely miss the fact, obvious to EVERYONE within range, that a woman is flirting with me.

It typically goes like this. I'm at a club with friends when a woman comes up and starts a conversation. I'm friendly and polite and treat her the same as pretty much everyone who strikes up a conversation with me. Often, she's rather hot, but... being a "gentleman"... I try to pretend that I don't notice. So, she wraps up the conversation and walks off, which leads one of my not-very helpful friends to walk over and read me the riot act.
"Melinda! What was wrong with her? Why didn't you go for it?"

"Huh? Nothing was wrong with her. She was hot! Not to mention rather intelligent and funny! It was definitely a struggle not to drool."

"Then, why didn't you go for it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"She was hitting on you!"

"No, she wasn't. That woman was waaaaaay out of my league."

"Dude! She was freaking hitting on you! We were all watching, waiting to see what you'd do!"

"Huh? Fuck! Could you find a way to tell me these things BEFORE I screw up?!!! Jeez!"

Or to be more specific, here's a real-life Melinda moment for you to enjoy. I met MacKenzie in college, when we were both living in the dorm and hanging in the same crowd of wild and crazy friends. MacKenzie is... well...



Yeah. I know. Anyway, MacKenzie was the source of quite a few Melinda moments, some of which I'm too much of a gentleman to go into. A couple of weeks after meeting MacKenzie, a little birdy told me that she was all excited about the fact that I was kind of into the "MacKenzie Butt," a legendary phenomenon unfortunately not visible in the pic. This gave me ideas, ideas I would not have acted upon were it not for "Ladies' Night." For those of you not familiar with Ladies' Night, this is a night when, for a few hours, women drink free.

Free liquor and an "Indian liver" as my friend Alfred calls me don't go well together. I get intoxicated rather easily and begin to behave rather strangely... even for me. I am suddenly unbelievably cool, the absolute life of the party, and capable of trying and getting away with almost anything. Really.

So, one night, my freaky friends and I were at Ladies' Night kicking back when an odd question came to my mind. Mackenzie had just gotten a new piercing, a spike protruding oh so dangerously (in a sexy way) from just below her lower lip. How, I wondered, can you kiss with a spike sticking out like that? Hmmmmmmmmmm.... Sans alcohol, I probably would have just asked. With alcohol, I proclaimed, "There's something I've just got to know!" Then, I kissed her.

Kissing MacKenzie is... Well, there are far too many appropriate toe-curling, stomach-tingling, mind-blowing cliches that apply here. Anyway, due to Major Cock Blockage, MacKenzie and I never went beyond kissing. But kissing MacKenzie as often as possible became my Holy Grail. Unfortunately, it's impossible to stay drunk ALL the time.

One night, some friends of ours drug us to a death metal concert. Neither MacKenzie nor I were very impressed. So, we decided to leave and head over to the gayest greasy spoon on the planet, The French Quarter's own Clover Leaf Grill. After some great food and awesome conversation, we went for a walk.

For the first time ever, I would share what I considered the most romantic place in the Quarter with a woman who wasn't the future wife of one of my friends. It's hard to describe and I don't have pictures. Along Decatur Street is a long strip of French and Spanish colonial buildings that now operate as restaurants, bars, book stores, candy shops, etc. One building has an archway leading to a long winding passageway between it and another in the back, filled with greenery, wrought iron benches, interesting old brass statues dotted here and there, and a wishing well. The wishing well was my goal but it's was dry! Dry!

So, in a spontaneous moment, I led MacKenzie around to the Boardwalk that followed the less trafficed part of the Mississippi as it ran along the French Quarter. There, along the river, in the moonlight and silence, I pulled a couple of quarters out of my pocket and told her to make a wish. We both tossed our coins toward the river. Mine went in. MacKenzie's bounced off the rocks below.

It occurred to me in that moment, as I turned to look at her, that I could make my wish come true. I could kiss her... sober! And maybe, just maybe (okay probably) MacKenzie would kiss me back.

Instead, I muttered something about getting back before our friends came looking for us and headed back in the direction of the bar. THAT is a Melinda moment.

Sucks to be me.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Alphabet thingy: even if I didn't get tagged....

The Alphabet Meme

[A is for age]: 30

[B is for beer of choice]: Guiness or Beamish.

[C is for career]: journalist/writer

[D is for favorite Drink]: Diet Coke

[E is for Essential item you use everyday]: heart meds...too morbid? Hmmmmmmm... nice, hot shower

[F is for Favorite song at the moment]: nothing in particular jumps to mind

[G is for favorite Game]: Would You Rather?: The Twisted, Sick, and Wrong Version

[H is for Home town]: New Orleans, even if I was born elsewhere

[I is for Instruments you play]: djimbe, bongos, congas, and other weird percussion instruments

[J is for favorite Juice]: cranberry or orange

[K is for Kids]: usually borrow them and give them back... working on 3 step-kids though

[L is for last kiss]: Judy... curled my toes and left me discombobulated for weeks

[M is for marriage]: Not ALLOWED to get married by fiat of the "majority" of Americans who think they have a right to determine the nature and validity of my relationship

[N is for full Name]: Melinda "Mind Your Own Business" Barton

[O is for Overnight hosp stays]: surgery a long time ago. My head was stuffed with gauze for like a week. Removing it was waaaaaaaay worse than having it in there. Not to mention that everything I ate tasted like napkins.

[P is for phobias]: claustrophobic and acrophobic

[Q is for quote]: "Sometimes, I'm so f*cking cool, I wish I could be me." by Me

[R is for biggest Regret]: petty fights with friends who were on this planet for far too short a time

[S is for sports]: women's tennis or beach volleyball

[T is for Time you wake up]: 5 a.m. not counting my love affair with the snooze alarm

[U is for color underwear]: peach, I think...

[V is for Vegetable you love]: spinach, asparagus, broccoli, etc. ad infinitum

[W is for Worst Habit]: smoking

[X is for X-rays you've had]: standard dental, chest X-rays, shoulder, tailbone, collarbone, wrist, arm (and X-ray like thingies: MRI, echocardiogram, abdominal ultrasound, and lots of other more embarassing tests down in radiology)

[Y is for Yummy food you make]: kick ass 5 minute fajitas, roasted chicken, and a great roast

[Z is for zodiac sign]: Taurus... The Bull... How appropriate!