The Cult of Melinda

The gAyTM is closed! No gay rights, no gay $$$!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I'm Horrible!

I was at the Raynaud's web site and this phrase has me just about cracking up: episodes of white finger. It's not funny. Really, it's not. I'm just a bad, bad person.

Raynaud's revealed

Okay, I'll go with the ugly white people feet.

This is the "purple" stage. They also turn white or blue or red, depending on the cycle of blood loss and recovery.

My feet, by the way, are much cuter and less white-people-like than the feet in the photo.

White People Feet

I was trying to find pic of Raynaud's in its least gross presentation so that you can get an idea of the multi-colored wonderland that are my feet and hands after cold exposure. During the so far unsuccessful search, I realized once again that white people have fucked up feet.

I have inherited quite a few biological characteristics from the Choctaw sides of my family (maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother), some visible, some not. Some of these characteristics took a LONG time to figure out, like the foot thing.

I never really paid much attention to people's feet. I saw mine and my family members' feet regularly but that was about it. Then, I saw white people feet. Ich! Short, stumpy toes. No long second toe. A straight, fat pinky toe. It's just weird. Keep those things covered already!

(Yes, I realize that to you, I'M the one with weird feet, but it's my blog. So suck it, foot freak!)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Tests Over, Hopefully.

So, the venous doppler wasn't too bad. However, if I'd known the precise nature of the test, I would have considered a trip to Brazil. Let's just say that is the closest that any young Asian man has ever gotten to my crotchal region with gel and a phallic-shaped object and leave it at that. (Though he was kind of pretty for a boy.)

Favorite Melinda quote from the first test: Hey, if you see anything unusual... like you find a set of keys in there or something... let me know.

The arterial doppler, on the other hand, SUCKED! They had to put blood pressure cuffs on my legs and arms. One on each arm and about 5 on each leg. There were wires everywhere! I had to fight really hard not to crack up laughing since this is the set-up for far too many sci-fi and horror B-movies and not-so-B-movies.

Favorite Melinda quote while getting hooked up for the second test: If I wake up with a bionic leg, I'm coming after you!

Aside: Yes, Don, you would be my sidekick if I ever got a bionic leg or any other super powers or abilities (other than the ones that women already talk about at parties). Rob, you'd be my not-so-evil genius scientist/gadget-maker or costume designer, your choice. I'd recommend avoiding copper for the chestal region, considering.

Not so funny part of this test: the squeezing. At first, it wasn't so bad. Then, he did the second round of measurements and squeezed the holy fucking crap out of my thighs. That shit hurt. It's still hurting. Melinda is not a happy camper.

Thing that would've been funny if I hadn't warned the tech first: The room was a bit chilly, so my toes turned purple during the test. I shouldn't have said anything so I could pretend to freak out. I would've gotten some real laughs off that right there. Anyway, I had to soak my feet in hot water for 5 minutes so they could get a second reading of the blood flow in my toes. The tech even dried my feet for me. (No, they don't do pedicures.)

So, the test looked good. I'm apparently extremely hypersensitive to cold (duh!) but no visible blockages or clots. The pain is probably not vascular, but we'll wait to see what the doctor thinks.

It Wasn't A Malfunction!

Some of you may be aware of the claims that Robinson's prayer not being broadcast on the mall was an "audio malfunction." That is bullshit!

Everyone who took TV Production remembers the commands given from the director's booth prior to going live. The rest of you, try to remember all of those shows about making TV shows OR the few glimpses of the director's booth they give you on some live broadcasts.

What are the final commands? "Bring up audio. We're going live in 5...4...3...2... Cue intro." HBO provided the mall broadcast as part of its production of the national broadcast. HBO would've kept audio down during any "pre-show" preparations. The Obama Inaugural Committee scheduled Robinson for "pre-show" so it was not broadcast. Since audio was "down" and not "off," it could be heard (barely) by people really close to the towers but not by anyone else.

This was NOT a mistake. The Obama camp has scheduled various televised events that were also broadcast to large audiences on-location, including his victory speech in Chicago. They KNEW Robinson would not be heard on the mall or on HBO!

Also, this is NOT the first time they've done this. When the LGBT community got a little peeved at Obama's invitation to anti-gay Donnie McClurkin to participate in his concert tour, he invited a gay minister for "balance" BUT scheduled the minister to speak so early that neither Obama nor most of the on-location audience had shown up yet. The guy stood there talking to an almost empty room.

UPDATE: There were major typos in the original post. I fixed them. Sue me.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


If they keep saying "Former President Bush," I'm either going to cry or start whooping it up something fierce. Wow. It's over. The Bush era is over. Breathe.


I just listened to the Warren invocation. Is it immature of me that I added COUGH "except for gay people" COUGH at opportune moments?

One More Reason...

This is just one more reason Obama can go fuck himself. The Obama inaugural committee scheduled the invocation by the openly gay Rt. Rev. V. Gene Robinson for 5 minutes BEFORE the HBO broadcast of the inaugural concert began yesterday afternoon. According to many in attendance, the loudspeakers were also turned off during the invocation so only people in the VIP section could actually hear Robinson's words. The hundreds of thousands on the mall could see him but NOT hear him. Here's a clip of what everyone in the nation would have heard if Obama wasn't a homophobe:

UPDATE: By the way, Obama's team tried to blame this on HBO until HBO busted them. Here's the wonderful, lesberrific Rachel Maddow on the issue:

UPDATE: The prayer was also scheduled BEFORE Obama entered, so he was not on the stage during his own inaugural concert invocation. We should unleash a million angry drag queens on his ass!

Health Update!

I love Inova Alexandria Hospital! Well, not their ER. It sucks. Rare diseases and ER docs do not go well together. But their cardiology unit is my new best friend.

Why? I was supposed to have an arterial doppler tomorrow and a venous doppler on Thursday. They just called and asked if I wanted them both today. I'm not about to try public transportation today, so I turned it down. BUT! They scheduled both for tomorrow. So, I don't have to leave work early two days in a row and use up what little leave I have left. I also don't have to travel out to the hospital in the cold and back two days in a row. (If you know what Prinzmetal's and Raynaud's are, you know that me and cold are not friends at all!)

So, I love me some Inova Alexandria Cardiology Unit!

BTW, the cat scan went well. I'll have to wait for my doctor to review the results, but at least it was a cat scan instead of an MRI. Claustrophobia and MRI's don't go well together, so I have to be sedated for them. I do NOT like being sedated, even 24... 24... 24... hours a day! haha

Goodbye Bush! Wooo flurking hoo!

So Bush will be gone today. Although some of you whippersnappers don't remember the presidency before Bush, we old geezers remember other presidents, who sucked but not nearly as much as Gipetto's boy puppet. This has literally been the worst presidential administration in history. Honestly, at this point, I'd be happy to see Bush go even if he and Cheney were being replaced by Guido and Tony from the Bronx.

But Obama chaps my hide!

If he doesn't stop comparing himself to Lincoln, I'm going to scream! President Obama, you are NOT Abraham fucking Lincoln! And really, do you want that comparison? Or are you too idiotic to realize why the comparison may not be a good thing?

You see, at this point in his presidency, Lincoln was more than willing to perpetuate slavery indefinitely if it meant keeping the Union. If the South had been willing to accept that deal, millions of people who were born free would have been born slaves. Millions would have lived and died never knowing what it was to be anything other than some white man's property.

Wait. Is that what the Warren invite and this whole bipartisan bullshit are about? Obama's willing to further the oppression of millions of LGBT people indefinitely if it means uniting the parties, so he's just like Lincoln? If they accept the deal, millions of LGBT people won't know what it is to be free and equal in their own country but at least the Democrats and Republicans can sit down in peace!

Well, fuck you, Mr. President. Even by that standard, you're still a piss-poor imitation of a man who had greatness thrust upon him and was humble enough to know that he didn't deserve the kind of adoration you think is your right.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Going "Off the Reservation"

I've been noticing people using the phrase in this post's title quite a bit in TV these days. It grates on me every time. Why? Because "off the reservation" refers to a time when, if a Native American stepped off the reservation, he or she could legally be killed on sight. I know, I haven't been so PC lately about my heritage. See the post below. But life in Virginia has brought back some bad memories.

When I was a kid, my background wasn't much of a secret. When I was really little, I just thought it was cool, even if my siblings did convince me that I was a "redneck Indian" since I was born in Mississippi while they were all born in New Orleans. But how does a little kid know about racial politics?

Well, I'd learn soon enough.

In fifth grade, the teacher told us to ask our parents what our ethnic background was and we'd all report on it the next day. The kids in my class were from all kinds of interesting backgrounds. No one made a big deal about anyone's but mine. The teacher embarassed me by saying I was the only "real American" in the room. This was at a time when I rarely spoke to anyone, so the attention was definitely unwanted. For months afterward, the other kids would make "Indian noises" at me in the hall or make stupid comments like "Indian with a feather or Indian with a dot?" I can't tell you how that affected me. For the first time, I knew that there was something "different" about being what I was and that people didn't see that as good or even neutral.

Not long after, some idiot in my neighborhood saw me out playing, asked about my family's Native background and called me something I thought was just a joke. So, I went around telling people that this was what I was. When my mother and grandmother heard me call myself that, I got yelled at for like an hour. Because only dogs are mongrels and mutts.

In eighth grade, my Louisiana History teacher started covering the chapter on early Louisiana history, the precolonial period. She explained to a classroom full of kids that the "Indians" were filthy backward savages who were too gullible for their own good and that's why the Europeans were able to so easily steal their land. I let out an infuriated "Excuse me!?" and the kid next to me, good old Jason Milosevich, asked, "Melinda, aren't you like half Indian are something?" I growled out "something like that" and stared into her face. I was tired of taking crap. When I decided to take revenge by writing my history report on my tribe, she wrote no comments but "messy, D" even though she said that bad handwriting would only cost you half a grade. It was the only D I'd ever gotten in my life and I'd worked really hard on that paper. I guess she won.

Over the years, incident after incident forced me to recognize that to too many people, I'd never be anything but halfbreed scum. My Native American grandmother and aunt made sure I knew that that was their problem not mine, but that I would always be recognized as Native American by the people who counted. I would never be white no matter how pale I was. To say that I was would be an insult to my grandmother and our ancestors. I eventually picked biracial because I could never pass as fully Native and I didn't want to insult my white grandmother either.

Over the years, I've gotten the occasional stupid comment, but I've generally been able to hold my head high, laugh and walk away from the ignorant people who would say such things. Until now.

I've taken a lot of crap about my race since I moved to Virginia, especially at my workplace. (Of course, I've also had to take a lot of crap about my religion and sexual orientation too so I guess they're equal opportunity offenders.) It's really starting to get to me. It's only a matter of time before I go off. I think I'm actually looking forward to it, while I look for another job. I wonder which will come first, the resignation or the explosion. Only time will tell.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Things That Distract from Pain

With my Native American roots and sensitivity to medicines, I have taken to homeopathic remedies for what ails me. So, what distracts from about a month of constant pain.... hmmmmmmmmm... hot women!

My imaginary girlfriend of the week: Yvonne Strahovski

I just finished the first season DVD's of Chuck and I think I'll watch them again! But I have two questions:

1. Does she look like she could be Jeri Ryan's little sister?
2. Since when are the hot chicks that much younger than I am? (Yeah, I know. Shut up, Mackenzie.)

NOTE: Yes, I exploited my Native American heritage for a joke. No, I'm not scared at all. My ancestors' ghosts don't live in Virginia, so they can suck it!

Grrrrrrrrrrr...... And More Grrrrrrrrrrr.......

So, I went back to the doctor, who apologized multiple times for not having a diagnosis. All of my blood and urine tests were normal, except my thyroid hormones were a little high. She did, however, confirm that I DO NOT have leukemia, take that paranoid, overprotective big sister! Yes, I rubbed it in.

Anyway, the nominees for the Causing Melinda Pain Award are: problems with the arteries/veins in my legs or a problem with my spine. I have to have two doppler tests (ultrasounds of my arteries and veins)of my legs and a CAT scan of my lower spine. Either would make sense considering my medical history. Let's hope that whichever one it is can be resolved so that I can go back to my normal level of suckage.

Until then, I appreciate your sympathy and support. Especially you, Silverfox. You've been awesome! I guess you know from the pain, huh?

Friday, January 09, 2009

When "Normal" Is Bad

So, the blood and urine tests were normal. I have to go back Monday for more tests. I feel like crap. My stomach started hurting this morning. I'm nauseated and I'm losing my appetite. I forced myself to eat last night. This sucks!

I just want to know what's going on so I can fix it. Why are doctors so damned slow? Why can't they just test for everything at once instead of padding their pockets with multiple visits?

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Why Nurses Make Bad Sisters

If you can avoid it, do not allow your overprotective, paranoid big sisters to become nurses. It's not good.

A few months ago when I was home visiting, my sister saw me scratch and end up with these small red spots under my skin. She freaked out and started saying that it was a sign of leukemia and I should get tested. I told her to stop freaking out, because I just have fragile blood vessels.

So, now, I'm fatigued and in pain, and my mother (no doubt on my sister's bidding) called me and started talking about the cancer that runs in my family, my sister's skin cancer removal months ago, and how we'd never had anyone young with leukemia except my great-grandmother who died of it when she was 42.

I really need that when I'm already freaking myself out.

Anyway, the doc is supposed to call today with results.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

I'm Going Insane

Sometimes, living amongst the "normal" people drives me crazy. Someone PLEASE talk to me about something other than the drivel that was on TV last night or work drama or which actress is screwing which grungy rock dude. PLEASE! Give me some science, history, philosophy, art... SOMETHING... PLEASE! Please tell me you understand having informed opinions about who runs this damned country and the collapse of our economy or just informed opinions period. Please don't ask me to explain basic information that has been on every fucking news show for the last six fucking months. Please don't tell me you didn't read the fucking memo which might affect whether you have a job in a few months and then ask me to explain everything. Please do go your fucking self to the open budget meetings and not expect me to explain everything to you in a five minute car ride, including that no, the "bosses" did not know a year ago that the economy was going to completely go belly up. They're not psychic. Okay, if you don't work with me, you probably think I'm nuts at this point.

And I probably am!

My new favorite spark of insanity:

This is a reenactment. There may be some differences between the recreation and the actual events due to the writer suffering from a heady case of "wha..?" Differences will mostly be in the order in which these things were said, b/c they were definitely said.

(groan of frustration) "Okay, everything you call the Old Testament is Jewish scripture. Then we have a few other books."

"I'm confused. I thought being Jewish was a good religion. I mean I thought everyone read the Holy Bible. Even the Jehovah's witnesses read the Holy Bible. They just interpret it differently. I mean, I don't want to get you involved in an argument over whose religion is better, but.... Don't you believe in Jesus?"


"But, I don't get it. Then why do they say that Jesus was a Jew?"

"Um... Because he was Jewish. He was a rabbi."

"Then how can you not believe in Jesus if you're Jewish? He was the king of the Jews."

"We don't believe he was king of the Jews."

"But do you believe in G-d?"


"But you don't believe in the Trinity?"

"No, but blah blah blah. We believe G-d was one being. We don't believe G-d can exist in human form."

I think the "wha...?" exploded my brain at that point and I made a hasty exit.

Nothing Yet

No news yet on my test results. It's been 7 days and it's driving me crazy. I'm tired. I'm in pain. I'm googling obsessively. I'm actually missing the normal suckage of my daily life with the Prinzmetal's and Raynaud's. Heaven help me.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Why Does My Body Suck So Much Ass?

So, lately I've been feeling like crap warmed over. But not the usual crap warmed over. No, that would be too easy.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been unbelievably fatigued. Add to that massive spasms in my left foot and constant cramping/soreness/achiness in my legs. Not good.

So not good that I, Melinda freaking Barton, actually slept through my alarm and showed up late for work TWICE in one week. Then, I took off two whole days! If you've ever worked with me, you know that's huge. My current boss told my coworker, "If Melinda misses one day, she'll be okay. If Melinda misses two days, something is seriously wrong."

Since muscle spasms/cramps are never good when you have a heart condition, I reported to my doctor, who made a much bigger deal of it than I thought she would. Apparently, there's no "medical explanation" for why I should be feeling like this based on my condition, my meds, etc. So, something may be seriously wrong. (Okay, I got charlie horses all the time back when I was a sporty dyke, so I didn't get this.)

The doc ordered blood and urine tests and prescribed me muscle relaxers for the interim. Only good thing: I totally cracked up the cute phlebotomist with my random nerdy comments about needleless blood tests, the future of medical technology a la Star Trek and my relief that my blood was red (After all, this would be a bad time to find out I'm an alien.). That was fun.

What is not fun? Googling foot spasms. When you already have a life-threatening illness, you really don't need to see the words "potentially life-threatening" EVER! associated with what you thought was a minor problem. I guess I don't just need bananas.

That's my Mom's response to everything, by the way. Eat more bananas! You're having muscle spasms? Bananas! You're fatigued? Bananas! You're bleeding from your pores? Bananas! I think my mother must own stock in Chiquita.

Anyway, I'll know within the week. Wish me luck!