The Cult of Melinda

The gAyTM is closed! No gay rights, no gay $$$!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

RIP: Phil Leventhal (1956-2007)

Phil was nobody famous, just an average, ordinary guy who loved rock music and sailing, a loving husband and proud father of two. To me, he was a valued co-worker and an inspiration.

Phil was diagnosed with esophageal cancer 5 years ago, but prevailed. This year, the cancer returned in his lungs before spreading to his brain. Despite it all, Phil came to work as much as he could, always smiling and upbeat despite the obvious physical toll cancer, chemo and radiation took on his body. He even spent the last weekend before being hospitalized sailing with his family and jamming with his rock band.

Unfortunately, the morphine necessary to cover the pain of cancer also concealed the pain that would have let Phil know that something was wrong with his intestines. Friday, June 15, his intestines burst and he had to go through emergency surgery to repair a perforated bowel. Wednesday, June 20, with both the cancer and an infection attacking his body, Phil succumbed, surrounded by his family.

Phil has taught me something about how to face death living. As I struggle daily with my own mortality, with pain and exhaustion, anger and grief, sheer terror and occasional bouts of peace, I hope I can manage half the dignity and joy that Phil carried with him every day. I will carry Phil's broad smile with me now, a reminder to find life worthwhile in the face of death.

This was Phil's gift to all of us. I can only hope that my gift to him, helping to ensure that his death notice and obituary were worthy of his life, is enough.

Rest in peace, Phil. We'll miss you.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Cult of Melinda is R-Rated

Online Dating

Mingle2 - Online Dating

I've been a bad, bad girl.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Don't Eat Yogurt!

Apparently there's a Brazilian yogurt commercial that aims to show how much sexier thin women (presumably ones who eat yogurt) are than their more Rubinesque counterparts by recreating iconic photos with full-figured models. There seems to be a bit of confusion, however, as this... much, much sexier than this:

(With all due respect to Mena Suvari, who I'm sure is a lovely woman, but the second photo reminds me a bit too much of the crucifixion to be hot.)

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Things or People That Do Not Bother Me

Stacey didn't tag me, but I'm going to do it anyway.

So, here are the things that do NOT bother me:

1. Working long hours.

2. Being asked lots of questions about lots of topics. I'm used to it now.

3. Being the shoulder to cry on.

4. Living in the "friend zone."

5. Other people's dietary restrictions. I have so many that there is really no room for me to talk.

6. Other people's religious/political beliefs as long as they don't blatantly dehumanize/denigrate other people or blatantly support violence.

7. Honest ignorance. It's the willful ignorance that gets me.

8. Pro-lifers...except for those that break rule #6.

9. Men finding me attractive and/or asking me out despite the fact that I'm obviously a big ol' long as they don't do that construction site catcall thing.

10. Creationists and IDers... mainly because I think most of them fall in under #7.

Okay, I tag:
The Queen of England

Monday, June 18, 2007

I Just Wanna Be Me!

Weird thing about the internet filters at work. Virtually all gay and lesbian material is blocked. Now, I'm not talking about erotica or porn. Even most news stories that mention gays and lesbians are blocked. Yeah, so I'm not supposed to be reading the net at work anyway, but still.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Imaginary Girlfriend of the Week

Maybe it's just me, but I think there's something quirky sexy about Heather Matarazzo. I especially love the fact that she just subtly came out during an interview. That's not an easy thing for anyone, much less a budding actress trying to build a career in image-obsessed Hollywood. The girl's got ovaries!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

How to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. Make people call you G-d's gift to the world. I did it and it made me feel great!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

My Private Dancer

This week's imaginary girlfriend: Jennifer Beals.

Jennifer and I have been in imaginary love since the 80's, when she looked like this:

Despite her unfortunate heterosexual tendencies, JB has been an invaluable asset for the Lesbian Shadow Government and our attempt to make sure that all your women are belong to us. In 1983, Flashdance hit the big screen. Jennifer Beals welded and in theatres across America, thousands of baby lesbians popped into existence. When the LSG finally decided to go overt with our propaganda, broadcasting an entire lesbian television show, JB was rewarded with the lead. Perhaps it was gratitude on our part. Perhaps it was because she looks like this:

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Happy B-day, Ace!

Dear Ace, I realize I'm late. Aunt Melinda had a bit of a bad day on your birthday. But I thought I'd celebrate anyway with a blast from the past. One year ago yesterday, I wrote this. I've updated it to show you how far we've come.

I'd like to officially welcome Andrew "Ace" Spiehler IV aka Spiehler of Borg to planet earth. Ace, your parents and all of their nerdy friends have waited a very long time for you, so coming early was a great surprise. (Just don't do it again, young man, or you'll be going to your alcove with no nutritional supplements!) I can't wait to meet you, but it'll probably be a while before that happens what with my being on the other side of the country and all. (Unfortunately, my transwarp drive is on the fritz. Damn Janeway!) So, I'll just give you a few sage pieces of advice from someone older than both of your parental units.

No, we haven’t met yet, but it has been awesome to watch you grow up in pictures. Anyway, I’m the one who sent you the bestest present ever, an autographed copy of “It All Began with a Bean” by Katie McKy. I think you’ll get a lot of laughs out of that one once you understand what a fart is.

1. Always comply with directives issued by your parental units. They may seem irrelevant and inefficient at times, not to mention a bit dorky, but they have your best interests at heart and wouldn't steer you wrong.

One year later and your parental units are still a bit dorky and definitely inefficient, but they’re pretty relevant if you give them a fair shot.

2. When your maternal unit insists on doing embarassing things to you in public, just remember that you'll get your chance for revenge when you're about 16 or so. (Trust me. I know your maternal unit and embarassment awaits.)

See. I warned you. You may not realize this yet, but there’s a picture of you pooping available on the internet for millions of people to see. You can forget working in the public eye. Or not getting a weird poop-related nickname in high school. Don’t worry. Just 15 years to go before you get your revenge.

3. Yes, your parental units' friends are really weird and would definitely not make efficient drones, however, if you observe closely, you'll see they know many things worth assimilating.

This is still true. Your parental units and their friends are quite good at frying things. Fried Snickers bars, cookies, ice cream, and even pickles are far from irrelevant. Just make sure your parental units or their nerdy friends do the frying until you’re ready for your own cube.

4. Always share your recreational equipment, known as toys to the unassimilated, with your friends and your parental units' friends. Yes, I realize that we were supposed to leave the maturation chamber a long time ago, but sometimes even adult drones require fun.

Still good advice. We haven’t quite become the efficient adult drones you’d expect at our ages.

5. Emotions are often inefficient, but they are never irrelevant. Never miss a chance to feel.

Also, now that you’re picking up on humor, never miss a chance to make your parental units laugh so hard that milk squirts out of their noses. That’s a very efficient way to get embarassing pictures that you can post on your blog as revenge for the poop face picture.

6. Flux = vA Your paternal unit can probably tell you what this means. Your maternal unit will explain why it's funny.

Just to remind your parental units, since they didn’t get it the first time. Flux = vA is the equation for measuring the rate of expulsion of a fluid, where v is the fluid’s velocity and A is the size of the aperture. Get it? It’s still very funny.

Welcome to the collective, Spiehler of Borg. Your distinctiveness is a very welcome addition to our own.

And it has been.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Ever Have One of Those Lives....

It really sucks to be me right now.

I've been working a at my current job as a temporary employee since November. For months, they've been talking up what a great opportunity it'll be for me once they hire me as a permanent employee. All I've gotten is major ass-kissing, "We know you need more money. We know you need a better position. Yada yada yada." So, now they've offered me a permanent position making less than I am now in a lower position than I'm in now. It has better benefits, but that won't make up for the lack of pay. I'd have to forego the annual leave just to make enough money to pay the bills.

And to top it all off, my mother and brother are both being tested for cancer. My mom has lumps in both breasts and is waiting for the test results. My brother may have a tumor in his bladder and is going for tests Thursday. My mom came for a brief visit in October, but I couldn't take a day off, so I only saw her when I was off work. Otherwise, I haven't seen my family since 2005. I can't afford to go home for a visit because I currently don't get paid leave or sick leave thanks to the agency royally screwing all of us by changing the rules at the last second. (I was one week away from earning leave when they wiped out all of last years hours and made me start over with the new plan.) Taking unpaid leave would mean not paying the rent.

THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!