Speaking of Hot Irish Girls...

America is soooooooooo retarded! Bad America! Bad, bad America! No more hot Irish girls for you.

Back into the Fray, Maybe

I've decided to do something brave and potentially futile. As many of you know, I haven't published in a long time due to, well, events beyond my control. (Yes, THAT.) I've approached a couple of web publications in an attempt to get back to what I do best. One is a site I wrote for for some time, ending in 2006. The other is one I haven't written for before. However, a former editor of mine, whom I wrote for for 3 1/2 years, writes for them. I sent them both emails yesterday, but I'm not very optimistic. The Google haunts me still today.

It's strange. I've written for numerous publications from the local to the international, in print and on the internet, on subjects ranging from lesbian pop culture to nuclear security. In the four years after I received my MA, I published about 100 times, was read on six continents and was cited on three. I got to see my name on a masthead and a cartoon of me in the pages of a lesbian magazine. I've shaken hands with rock stars and been thanked by the "little people" for acknowledging that they exist when they were being ignored by the MSM. One piece changed all that.

My last published piece, a book review, was submitted in December 2006, just as the magazine was going under. So, it's now been about 1 year 4 months since last my byline graced the printed page. Many publications simply stopped responding to my emails. Things I'd had "in the works" disappeared without a trace. I've worked and reworked the next great nonfiction book since then and blogged a little, but mostly I've become a former journalist turned government drone.

Yes, I work for The Man, as a rather low-level "functionary" in a local government. I take pride in being very good at my job, which I can't discuss in detail here except to say it involves a lot of writing, editing, webmastering and the like. But, as a coworker said today: It's not what I do.

Right now, I'm terrified. If I fall on my face, I don't know what I'll do next. If I succeed, I don't know what I'll do next. What if I've lost my touch? What if I had my 15 minutes and it's over? What if I get back out there and the crazies come out of the woodwork again? What if....

Bizarre....

So, I pick up the most recent copy of Psychology Today, which doesn't make me a dork at all. No really. I'm very cool. See the comments on the last post. Anyway, I'm turning pages and end up on the writer profiles, which I generally read out of professional courtesy. So, who do I find? An old professor that my imaginary husband and I had the HUGEST crush on. Unfortunately, the pic was just a profile/head shot, so no fantasy material there. Oh well. I still have my memories of KM coming into class in a short skirt and really hot calf-high leather boots. hummina!

I'm 32!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Elaine is coming to CBS!
Elaine is coming to CBS!
Elaine is coming to CBS!
Elaine is coming to CBS!
Elaine is coming to CBS!
Elaine is coming to CBS!
Elaine is coming to CBS!
Elaine is coming to CBS!

Wooooooo hooooooo! I'm at work, so I have to be vewy, vewy quiet. But inside, I'm doing a big ol' lesbian happy dance and singing a big ol' lesbian happy song at the top of my lungs! Okay, I don't usually watch murder mysteries. But I would seriously watch Elaine Cassidy just stand their reciting random nonsense syllables and I'd pay for the privilege.

Crap! The men with the white coats are coming this way!

Imaginary Girlfriend: Elaine Cassidy

Why do I love Elaine?

Because she looks like this:



And this:



She does roles like this:



And, in real life, she sounds like this:



Did I mention she was named Ireland's Best Actress? Yeah, the talent helps. I'm not pretending my mad Elaine love has much to do with her whole slew of acting awards, but they help.

So, Dave, what do you think? Is the mutual taste in women still going strong?

3 to 13! What?

I plead lesbian ignorance, but this seems outrageous to me.

Science to Life has a post about a study done by researchers at Penn State claiming that "good" sex only takes 3 to 13 minutes.

Okay, I've never had sex for that short a time. I would be embarassed to all hell and back. A long time ago when I was still young and energetic, I actually profusely apologized to a woman for only lasting 2 hours. Can you even get foreplay out of the way in 13 minutes?

Okay, just read the original article Science to Life links to, they "measured" from penetration to ejaculation. What about female orgasm? Dumbasses! Or foreplay? I knew straight people were dumb. haha (Loves me some straight people. Don't get mad.)

I was curious so I checked with Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot. Average time for a woman to achieve orgasm? 20 minutes. So, guess who 13 minutes of sex is good FOR?

Another interesting tidbit: 44% of men claim their partners always climax during sex. 22% of women claim they always climax during sex.

NOTE: Multiple medical sources confirm the 20 minute average. I just like Marshall and Dorian's page.

Nostalgia

I miss you, Chris. Battle on!

Just Stop It!

According to SiteMeter, many, many people are finding this site by googling "diy vagina." I did one very small, brief post on the diy vagina a LONG time ago. I do NOT regular discuss the diy vagina! Nor do I have any top secret information on the diy vagina! Stop coming here. You're making me feel like a pervert.

Twin Sex, Genetics and the Theory of Relativity

I'm a horrible person. I admit it. But so is Angela, who is partially responsible for the following cleaned-up, half-remembered conversation. I've removed the parts where I was cracking up so hard I was crying and Angela had to make sure I could still breathe.

Anywho, Angela and I were discussing the many problems with how "The L Word" represents lesbian life and life in general when Angela brought up an episode where the character Shane had brought home identical twins from the bar, was too depressed to get down, and had them entertain her by "entertaining" each other. I hadn't remembered that they were twins, but that didn't stop me from pulling insanity out of my ass.

Angela: "I have no problems with sleeping with sisters separately. But having sex with twins simulataneously or having them have sex with each other is incest. It's perverted. Even Shane isn't that disgusting."

Me: "I'd have sex with twins. Think about it. If they're identical twins, then genetically, it's masturbation!"

LOTS OF MAD LAUGHTER HERE.

Angela: "You can't have sex with twins! It's incest."

Me: "How is that any different from having Future Melinda come back in time to have sex with me?"*

Angela: "Because one of them isn't from the future! They're from the same time period. And they're NOT the same person!"

MORE MAD LAUGHTER AND IRRELEVANT PRATTLING HERE

Angela: "You know Liz is an identical twin."

Me: "You should tell her. Tell her that if they have sex, it's masturbation."

Angela: "I'm not telling her that. She'd think I'd lost my fucking mind."

I TRY IN VAIN TO GET ANGELA TO SPREAD THE GOSPEL OF TWIN SEX TO HER GIRLFRIEND, LIZ.

Me: "Wait. If I have sex with twins, then genetically, I'm having sex with the same person at the same time but at two different points in space. It's like a space-time distortion!"

Angela: "Great. You've proved the theory of relativity but you're going to end up getting arrested for a sex crime."

Me: "Having sex with twins isn't a sex crime. Wait... Did you mean that pun intentionally or was that accidental?"

Angela: "What? Oh... It wasn't intentional. These things always happen to me. I screamed the theory of relativity at the wrong time!"

MORE MAD LAUGHTER.

Me: "But you know. To prove the theory of relativity through twin sex, I'd have to have sex with one while she was on earth and the other on a spaceship traveling at the speed of light."

Angela: "You could be on the space shuttle with one and be having cyber sex with the other."

THIS DOESN'T SIT WELL WITH ME. AFTER ALL, THE TIME DISTORTION BETWEEN THE TWO POINTS IN SPACE WOULD MAKE CYBER SEX IMPOSSIBLE USING CURRENT TECHNOLOGIES.

Me: "Wait... Theoretically, this could work IF twins exhibited spooky action at a distance!"

ANGELA HAD A FUNNY COMEBACK TO THAT ONE BUT I DON'T REMEMBER IT WELL ENOUGH TO DO IT JUSTICE HERE.

Me: "You know, Einstein came up with the theory of relativity by dreaming of traveling on a beam of light. I could win the Nobel Prize for developing a scientific theory I came up with by imagining twins having sex!"

MORE IRRELEVANT STRANGENESS

Angela: "You know that this is the reason countries like Iran stone lesbians. It's because of people like us!"

*NOTE: Angela and I, in a previous discussion, worked out that I could only find out if the rumors about my mad lesbian skills were true if I came back in time to have sex with myself. We differed on whether Future Melinda should have sex with Past Melinda or Present Melinda. Personally, I thought Past Melinda would be too busy screaming, "What did you do to my body, you bitch!? How long has it been since you've had sex, again? Fuck! Our vagina destroyed what?!" to get her groove on. Ultimately, I really don't think Past Melinda would give Future Melinda the time of day.