DIY: Vagina

Okay, this isn't funny but it is. Vaginas now grow in labs. I want one!

Beer Crisis!

Beer sales are in a rut! More Americans are switching to... gulp... wine. Don't let the chugging tradition be destroyed by these wine-swilling nancies! Stand up and fight. You have a right to Bud Light.

Imaginary Girlfriend of the Week

Christina Cox

The Butch Version


The Femme Version


The lesbians should remember her as "Kim" in Better Than Chocolate. The nerds might remember her from guest spots on such dorkarrific series as Earth: Final Conflict, The Outer Limits, PsiFactor: Chronicles of the Paranormal, Numb3rs, Andromeda, Stargate: SG1, F/X: The Series, Mutant X, and Forever Night. If you're really lucky, you remember her from her guest spot as a dominatrix on House. Purrrrrrrrr.

This Is Real, People

Ever seen a cat with wings? Now, ya have. Dangit! I want wings!

A Note from the Author

Apparently, the rules have not been made clear, so I will take this opportunity to clarify a few of them here for certain people who seem to have a problem understanding. (Yes, Rob, this means you.)

1. The author retains the right to call imaginary dibs on any beautiful woman within a 500 mile radius OR any beautiful woman who may come to the author's attention via the mass media. The author also retains the right to create an actual category of dib-calling referred to as imaginary dibs.

2. The author--out of due respect for her subjects... ahem... fellow woman-lovers --will only call actual dibs on all beautiful feminine gay and bisexual women within a 500 mile radius.

3. No one is permitted to question the author's right to call imaginary or actual dibs on any beautiful woman regardless of whether said beautiful woman fits the standards set forth in rules 1 and 2. (Again, Rob, this means you.)

4. Even if the author does not specifically vocalize her intent to call imaginary or actual dibs on a beautiful woman who does or does not meet the standards set forth in rules 1 and 2, you must assume that the author intends to make such a call in any case where the woman is indeed beautiful. Thus, you must seek the permission of the author to call dibs on any beautiful woman who could prospectively be claimed by the author pursuant to the regulations set forth in the relevant Guy Rules and in the constitution of the Lesbian Shadow Government.

This post serves as legal notice under the Article III, Section IV of the Code of the Lesbian Shadow Government. All declarations within said legal notice are binding on all officers of the Lesbian Court of Jurisprudence and all who may be now or in the future subject to Guy Rules.

Imaginary Girlfriend of the Week

Don't forget my nerd bona fides:

Jeri Ryan...



...but she'll always be 7 of 9, tertiary adjunct to unimatrix zero one to me.

The Conversion of Ms. Melinda Barton

WARNING: Religious talk ahead.

RPP asked to hear the conversion story, so please don't take this as proselytizing.

Let's start at the beginning, briefly I hope. I was originally a Baptist until my Mom met my step-father when I was about 9, at which point I became a United Methodist. I was also, as you all know, simply BRILLIANT!!!!! haha

In the secular realm, this means I began making snarky comments at 1, giving my Dad accurate driving instructions at 2, reading at 3, reading entire books by 5, doing Algebra in my head at 9 and attending gifted classes in fourth grade. In the religious realm, this meant I was reading the King James version of the Protestant Bible by the time I was 7 (That's the earliest I specifically remember reading it.), getting in long theological discussions with people waaaaaaay to old to be talking to a 7-year-old, arguing with my Sunday School teachers and winning by the time I was nine, assisting the Sunday school teacher and studying with the minister by the time I was 10, and taking college-level courses in theology at 11 (I think). By this point, I began prepping for seminary.

Yeah. I had NO life. Imagine getting in trouble when you're supposed to be a minister-in-training. High standard, that.

Anyway, prepping for the United Methodist seminary requires A LOT of study in a variety of fields, including theology, comparitive theology, history, culture, linguistics, etc. Again, I had NO life until I started rebelling a bit in my early teen years. These studies, often conducted with little if any authoritative supervision, eventually led to my coming to some radical conclusions for a Christian.

I was about 16 when I came to the conclusion that Jesus wasn't divine or the son of G-d. (I'd already had problems with the whole Trinity thing since I was 7. Long story.) That thought scared the living hell out of me and I prayed about it often, but ultimately I came to this place of peace.

At 17, I was "excommunicated" from my local church for the gay, probably-a-satan-worshipper thing. I went to a lot of other churches, but it's hard when you can point out exactly where the minister is misquoting/distorting scripture.

As I grew older, I tried creating a Judaic type of Christianity for myself, often mockingly referred to as The Church of Melinda. The idea of being something other than Christian was too frightening to consider.

In my early twenties, my friends noticed what I refused to admit: that I was Jewish. I was a big old Torah believing Jew long before I realized it. I remember my friend Donald shaking his head in frustration when he tried to subtly point that out and it sailed over my head.

One night, my friends Susan and Nicole laid it all out for me. Susan was trying to be nice, encouraging me to apply my legendary capacity for reason to my "religious confusion." Nicole refused to be polite and simply said, "Melinda, you're a Jew. Get over it."

I did some research thinking I'd prove them wrong and ended up realizing where I really belonged. Imagine it. I'm sitting in the computer lab pulling up comparisons between Judaism and Christianity. I come across this lovely article that had a list of Maimonides' 13 points on one side and the basic tenets of Christianity on the other.

I began laughing my fool head off thinking about how I'd invented a millenia old religion and how I should write the Torah for my next feat of brilliance. (I thought Hebrew might be a nice language for that.) I immediately decided to go for it, looked into conversion, went to temple to get approval from a rabbi, and I've never looked back.

The Interview

I've agreed, silly me, to be interviewed by RPP. Here are the answers.

1.) who was your first love?
Depends.

First woman I crushed on: my Sunday school teacher when I was 7. I'd stare at her legs and the curve of her hips over my King James. (Yep. I read the King James when I was 7.)

First kiss: A.J. I was 9. She was 7. She was my friend Michelle's younger sister. We were playing hospital in the shed/playroom. Her sister was the nurse. A.J. was my "boyfriend" come to visit me. I liked it so much, I never bothered to point out that I was SO much butcher than she was. We spent waaaaaay too much time showing off our "athletic skills." Really, who has skills at 7 or 9?

First girl I asked out and "thought" I was in love with: Stephanie. Total hottie. Best friend. Took 3 months to answer. Said no. Got mad when I dated someone else.

First woman I truly loved: Deborah. We met in college and hung in the same crowds, two different ones overlapped. She's the only woman who could ever make me giggle and blush. She's also probably one of the most beautiful things I've seen in my life. She said no, so I decided to tell her how I felt only when I thought I was leaving New Orleans for good after graduation. She ended our friendship in a publicly humiliating way, then offered to hang out in Florida (where I'd be for the summer), NY or Boston (my two choices for grad school) and Israel (where I was thinking of going for winter break). It's still a mystery.

2.) you can go back to school again, totally free, any school you want, you can study ANYTHING regardless of prerequisites: what would you study?

I've asked myself that many times. I'd really like to get a second master's or Ph.D. at some point. Let's see. I think the options were political science, physics, media studies, philosophy, or engineering. (Engineering was an aborted act of desperation and an attempt to find some way to get into space, maybe, possibly eventually just so I could say "Jews in spaaaaaaaaace" on a spacewalk.)

3.) woody allen has a great short story (called, i think, the kuglemas incident) in which his character is able to enter the world of any novel -- his character enters madame bovary and... then... enters madame bovary, if you know what i mean. what novel's world would you visit if you could?

Hmmmmmmmm... I don't actually read novels very often. I'm more of a non-fiction/short story girl myself. BUT probably some trashy lesbian novel where everyone gets laid by gorgeous supermodels. Sorry, I'll think up a better answer and get back to you.

4.) if you could go into space in a craft of some kind, and you'd be guaranteed to reach another solar system with intelligent life, but you would never be able to return to earth: would you do it?

No. I really don't need some smarter-than-the-earthlings aliens keeping me in a zoo for the rest of my life. Although, I've long dreamed of going into space.

5.) if you could ask any question in the universe, no matter how complicated or esoteric, and the magic-question-answerer would give you the correct answer, what would you ask?

42? Why a towel? Hmmmmm... Is there a G-d wouldn't do as that would still leave me wondering about far too many things. Maybe I'd ask for the unified theory that explains everything. Of course, that could conceivably end up answering the G-d question. Maybe I'd ask something stupid like "How many licks does it take?" just b/c I think too much knowledge all at once could be disastrous. Besides, who'd believe me when I tried to tell them that we're all living in a holodeck and you just have to find the right place to call for an arch.

10 Things About Me: Redux

Okay, RPP said I was cheating when I did this last time, b/c I dwelled on the heart condition rather than on me.

1. I still have a REALLY bad temper. But I actually kind of like the particular shade of blue my eyes turn when I'm mad.

2. Have the heart condition. You can read about that in earlier posts.

3. I gave myself a VERY expensive education, which I'll be paying off for the rest of my life despite being on academic scholarship for undergrad: B.A. from University of New Orleans; M.A. from NYU; and summer study at La Universidad de Costa Rica, San Ramon.

4. I've traveled to 12 countries, not counting the U.S., and somewhere around a bazillion states. (Yes, I realize there are only half a bazillion states in the U.S.)

5. I like to do rather insane things. I hiked the Costa Rican rainforest ALONE and walked off the trails. Remind me to tell you about the spider the size of a dinner plate and the very loud HISS that made me nearly wet myself.

6. I LOVE B-movies! Especially B horror by the likes of Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert.

7. As a kid, I once ran away to the back yard. No one expected that, so it took hours for them to find me. I remember sitting there REALLY pissed as they walked around the neighborhood screaming my name. Those tall wooden fences have benefits.

8. I've broken four bones. Three of them at one time. Didn't cry either time, even though the first one (complete break/displacement of the collarbone) happened when I was three.

9. When I first converted, I'd sometimes forget all of the kosher dietary rules. So, I ate a cheeseburger once! It was an accident, I swear!

10. I sneak internet time at work. Like right now. Okay, I'm at lunch right now, but anyway... SCANDALOUS!

11. B/c #10 is just silly. I work as a technical writer in finance. (That's all I can say on the blog.)

Okay, RPP, there ya have it. Don't beat me!

Imaginary Girlfriend: Natassia Malthe

I'm stealing an idea from RPP, who stole it from someone else. I can't guarantee there'll be regular updates or anything. You know the health situation. Anyway, here's my first imaginary girlfriend.

Natassia Malthe, with whom I fell madly in love while watching "Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe." Natassia plays Quintana, a mind-reading, ass-kicking half-vampire/half-human hybrid in black leather.



You've gotta love the fangs. I think I spent too much time covering lesbian vampires for my undergraduate honors thesis. But here she is in normal human form:

10 Things About Melinda

I was tagged by Stacey, so here goes:

1. I have a REALLY bad temper. Never, ever disrespect me unless you want to see a very scary blue-eyed monster come out.

2. I have a rare heart condition that affects only 12,000 people in the United States. (1 out of 25,000) The form I have affects about 3,000. (1 out of 100,000)

3. There is no definitively known cause. A few theories, but nothing definite yet.

4. There is no cure.

5. This disease is fatal.

6. I will die from one of the following: heart failure, fatal arrythmia, massive heart attack, or sudden cardiac death.

7. I escaped from the emergency room Monday night after getting really damned tired of being treated like SHIT. Never, ever go to Inova-Alexandria Hospital.

8. I cancelled my follow-up cardiology appointment.

9. I've decided to take the meds as always, but otherwise just let whatever happens happen.

10. I'm done.

I tag:
Reasonably Prudent Poet
Duckus Aurelius
Dreamwalker
Becca