Some Funny

The Klingon Programmer

Star Wars Smut

And, for Stacey, who always makes me feel better, much like her favorite subject:

Fart on a Plane

Dr. Fart Speaks

Author's Note: I'd just like to point out that I'm far too mature and sophisticated to find flatulence humor amusing... Ahem... There seems to be a lightning problem in my office so I'll sign off here.

Why the Australians Shouldn't Make Sci-Fi

Battlespace may be one of the worst science fiction films of all time. Watch it at your own risk!

Being "Inferior"

Last night, I had what can only be described as a truly humiliating discussion with a "friend." (There's a reason that word is in quotation marks. Bear with me.)

A little background is necessary. I hang out with three straight women and occasionally go to dinner with them. I met G and M through Judy. G introduced me to L. I found out recently that M didn't realize that I'm gay. (L and G have known for ages.) I made an offhand comment about a woman I'd been innocently flirting with and M got this really shocked look on her face. G realized that M wasn't in on the not-so-secret secret and told me as much. So, I told M as nonchalantly as possible that I'm gay. She recovered well and has acted normally ever since. G, on the other hand, has the impression that M was put off by my revelation despite the fact that she hasn't actually discussed it with her. That led to the aforementioned humiliating discussion.

G, M, L and I had discussed going out to dinner at this Lebanese place in town. Unfortunately, it had to be rescheduled. So, when I ran into G last night, I brought up dinner. G threw out her theory about M's supposed disgust at my homosexuality and then dropped the big bomb. She's apparently worried that M will ask about my sexual orientation at dinner and we'd end up in a conversation about it, a discussion that would apparently be extremely embarassing for G.

No, she's not concerned that I'll discuss actual sex acts. I'm far too discrete for that. (Note that M didn't even know after hanging out with me off and on for nearly a year.) She's concerned that the very topic of my being gay will be discussed. She also admitted that she'd be embarassed if either her gay son or her gay daughter talked about being gay in public. Of course, I'm sure her straight son can discuss whatever he wants.

So, I ended up being lectured on how I "speak freely" about being gay. In other words, if dating comes up in conversation, I use the correct pronouns and refer to the experience of dating women. Apparently I needed some "friendly" advice on how to remember my place. I remembered alright.

I made my excuses as quickly as possible and fled to my apartment in utter shock. I'm not ashamed to admit I cried. It's hard not to when you've just been reminded that to some people, you'll never be much more than a dyke and that even the supposedly "gay friendly" consider you inferior and a public embarassment. The most humiliating part of the whole thing is that I walked away.

I'll give myself credit for the fact that I was shocked, but really I shouldn't have been. It's happened before to me and many of the gay people I know. There's a good reason apparently that many of them avoid friendships with straight people.

I've been paranoid all day about the rest of my straight "friends," wondering if they actually deserve the title or if they're just covering up their homophobia like G was. I have to snap out of it. In my heart, I know that many of my longtime straight friends are behind me one hundred percent. Considering the alternative, I should be grateful for that, not questioning their friendship. But it's hard not to...

Relationships: Who Needs 'Em?

There's been a lot of talking lately with friends about one of the biggest decisions in my life, giving up women. No, not going straight, just giving up on the dating scene with all the drama and wasted effort.

I've never been exceptionally good at moving from the chase to settling down. When the moment comes, I never seem to seal the deal. Often, I don't even realize the moment's there until it's passed. This has left me alone more often than not.

Strangely, in the moments when I'm not alone, I somehow manage to be with the woman everyone wants, wondering how the hell I got there and trying to figure out how to keep what just landed in my lap (sometimes literally). Usually, I end up with bragging rights, a broken heart and a bruised ego.

Did I mention the "What the fuck just happened?" afterburn? Women tend to be a bit strange with me or maybe they're always strange and I just haven't noticed. Still, I think it's odd for a woman to say no then get upset because I've accepted her answer, to say "Let's just be friends." then get angry when I go on a date with someone else, to say "Let's just be friends." then get angry that I treat her as a friend instead of a lover, to literally crawl all over me then push me away when I reciprocate, to dump me for someone else then spend years telling me that I'm "the one", to dump me but tell everyone who'll listen how wonderful I am and how much she misses me, to "go straight" then tell every one within earshot that I'm the only one who could make her go back to women... Is it just me?

If it weren't for the happy couples I know, I'd think that such a thing doesn't exist. Yet, even though I know it's possible, I'm not prone to think it's possible for me. Especially now that I'm ill.

Facing what may be the last years or even last months of my life, I don't know if a medical miracle will save me or if I'll manage to pull through this with that Melinda magic that's gotten me through so many other brushes with death or if this is really the end of Melinda luck once and for all. What I do know is that it makes things even more complicated.

When I first found out that my heart just wasn't working properly anymore, some friends told me to keep it to myself, just don't tell any potentials that I was ill until I landed them. But it's not exactly a thing that's easy to hide. How do I explain the pills and the monitor? How do I explain why I'm clutching my chest and struggling for breath? How do I explain all of my physical limitations? Would fleeing from the room at the first sign of trouble make me look mysterious in a good way or just plain nuts?

And to be honest, I just don't have the energy anymore to figure it all out and cope with the aftermath of inevitable failures. I don't even have the energy to deal with what happens if I succeed.

So, I'm done. The world will keep on turning after I've gone. Women will keep on getting laid even when I'm not there to send them roses and buy them dinner. Beautiful women will find other lesbians to tell them they're beautiful. And the guys will just have to deal with hearing rehashings of my old glory days with no new tales for me to tell over a cold beer. I'm sure it'll be a while before the story of my winning a hot Turkish woman in a game of pool gets old.

In Which Melinda Has a Brain Fart

There is a very lovely young Muslim woman in my office named Asma. The other day, Asma brought me dessert. I don't know the actual name of it, but it was made from milk, butter, almonds, and these very thin, sweet noodle-like things. It was good, almost pecan pie good. I immediately declared my undying love and let it be known that if Asma weren't a heterosexual married woman, I'd chase her in a second. (Trust me. I'm not the only person who works or has worked in that office who's crushing on Asma.)

Dinah, another very lovely woman in my office, was picking on me about the whole thing. That's when this exchange took place.

Me: You think I'm joking. Trust me. If she weren't married, she'd be mine!
D: So, you're going to convert her, huh?
Me: No, I've dated a Muslim woman before. She wouldn't have to convert.

Doh! There was a bit too much amusement that the term convert sent me straight to Judaism rather than the convert her to lesbianism thing. I'm slipping.

Weird Encounter

I was having a coversation with a young college student the other day and I have to say I'm a bit disturbed. Here are some snippets as best as I can remember them:

CS: Do you consider yourself really religious?
Me: Yes and no. I'm a Reform Jew. (Note: I said 'yes AND no' only because most people consider the term 'religious' to mean conservative. Before I could finish, however,...)
CS: So, you're not REALLY Jewish. You're just culturally Jewish.
Me: No, I eat kosher, keep the sabbath, study Torah, pray in Hebreew, fast on Yom Kippur. I'm religious. I'm just very liberal.

After I mention that I live in a Hispanic neighborhood:
CS: Do you like living there?
Me: I like it. It's located close to a lot of restaurants, a supermarket, etc. There are some things I don't like, though. People in my building have a habit of throwing trash in the elevators.
CS: Oh, but that's their culture.
Me: I don't think it's really their culture, probably just a lot of young guys away from home for the first time.
CS: No, it's their culture. The other day I saw this one woman, who was right by the trash can, just throw her trash out the car window. (Note: this person is a Spanish major. We argued back and forth for a while over her littering as culture interpretation, but I ultimately gave up.)

Later, this person also asked me if I "considered myself liberal" in a tone of voice that led me to believe she would find it easier to believe I was a space alien than a liberal. I don't know if it's because I admitted to being religious or because I admitted to being intolerant of people trashing the place where I live. Of course, I also admitted that I don't like finding bones in my enchiladas or being sold expired food that gives me food poisoning. I must have really lost multicultural points there.

A final note before the "Melinda is anti-Hispanic" thing starts. I have Hispanic family members. I've dated Hispanic women. I did a study abroad program in Costa Rica. And I speak fluent Castillian.

Imaginary Girlfriend: Rachel Shelley

Rachel Shelley rocks! She's not a lesbian (that I know of) but she plays one on The L Word and in a great new movie called Gray Matters. She also has a gorgeous smile and the sexiest English accent ever. Major droolage.

Cool Robot Quiz

How much do you know about sci-fi robots?

UPDATE: Also try your luck with Superman, the X-Men, The Fantastic Four, and Batman.

Artist Par Excellence

Great stuff on flickr from someone called The Searcher. Some brilliant stuff, although some may not be suitable for all viewers.

Demotivation

Despair, Inc. Because pessimism has never been so funny.

The Future of Science: Cracked Style

Cracked brings you: 5 Recent Scientific Advances (And How They'll Destroy Us All) It's HIGH-larious!

I'm So Spicy!

You Are Mexican Food

Spicy yet dependable. You pull punches, but people still love you.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Imaginary Girlfriend: Irshad Manji

Irshad Manji, author of The Trouble with Islam, is brilliant, funny, courageous and soooooooooooooooooo adorable.



Of course, I have a thing for Muslim women with short, spiky hair:



UPDATE: Just to be safe, I'll point out that the woman in the second pic is not Irshad Manji.

I'm IT!

RPP has decided to give me an excuse to take some time off from the intellectual battles over at Science Blogs, so I'm going to take it.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Dwelling on how little I've accomplished compared to my grand ambitions. Realizing how little time I have with the people that really matter.

Where would you like to live?

In a rebuilt New Orleans, the way it has always been and always should be.

What is your idea of earthly happiness?

Engaging in a furious intellectual debate with people who can challenge me in myriad ways (Yes, Donald, I'm talking about you.), laughing with my friends over old times and new (like that one time I was a tree), spending time with my nieces and nephews, watching Rob grow up into the big man I always knew he could be :sniff:

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?

Faults? I'm supposed to have faults? Hmmmmmmm... I indulge my temper a bit more than I'd like but I don't really feel indulgent about it considering how hard I fight against it. I'd say my tendency to just say fuck it all, at least for a few days, when the world comes crashing in all at once. (I bet that raises my rating!)

Who are your favorite heroes/heroines of fiction?

I'm throwing in movies/Tv here b/c most of the written fiction I read is dystopic. Yoda; DATA for dreaming and achieving the impossible; Jadzia Dax for her honor, wisdom, and amazing rack; Xena for fighting to redeem herself from a not-so-wonderful past; Gabrielle for maintaining purity of spirit in the face of evil and for fighting for the "lost" cause

Who are your favorite characters in history?

The Stonewall rioters, Martin Luther King, Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Deborah (Judge of Israel), Esther/Hadassah (The Jewish Queen of Persia), The men and women of the anti-nazi underground movements of Europe, Sophie Scholl, Anne Frank, Sappho, Abraham b/c he proved his righteousness by challenging even G-d himself

Who are your favorite heroines in real life?

The women above

Your favorite painter?

Salvador Dali

Your favorite musician?

Too many! Melissa Etheridge and kd fit in there. Bitch and Animal rock although I haven't heard their solo stuff yet. Melissa Ferrick is hilarious. Mary Dolan is well, Mary Dolan. And music is definitely not complete without the golden voice of Charlotte Church.

The quality you most admire in a man?

honor, dignity, respect for others

The quality you most admire in a woman?

honor, dignity, respect for others

Your favorite virtue?

Humility in the presence of my greatness!

Your favorite occupation?

writing

Who would you have liked to be?

Molly Ivins

Your most marked characteristic?

exceptional brilliance, astounding good looks, and superhuman humility

What do you most value in your friends?

sense of humor, intelligence, cool toys

What is your principle defect?

maybe my speech defect; it rarely shows itself anymore but when it does, its infuriating!

What is your favorite occupation?

Yeah, what she said.

What is your dream of happiness?

Long life, health, success and for crazy women to leave me alone

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?

Leaving this life with unfinished business

What would you like to be?

Free

In what country would you like to live?

Canada or New Zealand

What is your favorite color?

none really

What is your favorite flower?

I got the "evil one" fire and ice roses, white on the outside but red on the inside of each petal. I really love those.

What is your favorite bird?

The two sitting on my keyboard, resting at d and k.

Who are your favorite prose writers?

Orwell, Asimov, Huxley, Vonnegut and Bradbury

Who are your favorite poets?

Dickinson, Shakespeare, Byron

Who are your heroes in real life?

the victims that stand and fight; the survivors who throw off the victim mantle

What is it you most dislike?

Willful ignorance.

What natural gift would you most like to possess?

patience

How would you like to die?

Praying and laughing.

What is your present state of mind?

guilty. I really do work here, I swear.

What is your motto?

"Never surrender. Never retreat." and "If you don't like it, you can kiss my..."

The end.