Gay Marriage Fun...

Since I'm not legally allowed to walk around bitch-slapping homophobes, I'm enjoying a little gay marriage humor today.

The History Channel Can Bite Me...

There's a show on that purports to show the Clovis culture of early human migrants to North America. It's not entirely accurate, but that's not the problem. The problem: the actors playing the ancestors of modern Native Americans are WHITE! And not white people with tans either. They're PALE white people. Ugh!

Happy Birthday, Master Drew...

May you have many more, you fat, capitalist pig.

Taking "Marriage" Out of the Equation

Many people, including the President, suggest that we should reserve the word "marriage" for heterosexuals in deference to "religion." To them and to you, I say this:

I'm a Reform Jew. Both the Central Conference of American Rabbis and the Union of American Hebrew Congregations resolved in the late 90's to oppose governmental restrictions on gay marriage. In 2000, the CCAR voted to allow rabbis to perform the actual Jewish marriage ritual for gay couples. (The kiddushin thing is kind of complicated.)

Anyway, if we take the word "marriage" out of the equation in deference to "religion" as many politicians, including the President, have suggested, we allow a subset of Christian denominations to become the government-approved "official" religion of this country. We would also say that my religion and so many others are invalid and unworthy of recognition in the United States.

Personally, I would not readily surrender my 1st amendment rights any more than I would readily surrender my 14th amendment rights, the basis upon which equal rights and equal protection stand.

Prop 8 Upheld

Whose rights do I get to vote on now that California has voted on mine?

Happy-Go-Lucky

If you haven't seen it yet, you HAVE to watch it. Sally Hawkins is fricking brilliant, which is why she won the Golden Globe. Of course, she was freaking ROBBED for the Oscars, which seems to be a rather universal opinion these days. (So, that's not just my HUGE pro-Sally Hawkins bias talking.)

Spring Cleaning

I've been doing some Spring Cleaning around Casa Melinda today. However, I've encountered a problem that you might be able to help me solve.

I have visitors coming next month, so I'll be doing extra special Spring Cleaning over the next few weeks and whipping out the blow-up mattress for the miniature one to sleep one. However, I think I may have to do extra extra special Spring Cleaning, considering a certain person's mini-freak-out when he discovered some of my girlier movies and shaving cream in my shower. Apparently, evidence of my womanhood is quite disturbing.

Here's where I need your advice. I'm working on a list of the woman-type things that may have to be concealed. Here's what I have so far:

The aforementioned shaving cream
The obvious feminine hygiene products
Anything pink, including my very femme toilet brush and my lady razors
The French hand soaps
The "Lady Power Stick" deodorant
The various and sundry scented candles and girly air-freshening devices
The "girl power" type movies I watch when I'm sick
My various hair products and hair-related devices

Any other ideas? I don't need "you know who" leaving here with PTSD.

P.S. WARNING: ANYONE WHO WANTS TO PRESERVE THE MANLY IMAGE OF MELINDA SHOULD READ NO FURTHER.

I think this bizarre reaction that far too many of my guy friends have to my female-ness provides the perfect weapon. If ever they really piss me off, I can just show them my girly panties and bras. (Not on me, of course.)

Rock On!

I've lost some of my favorite shows, like Terminator, but... THEY'RE BRINGING BACK "V"!!!!

My Least Favorite Christian Myths

Re: my last post. If you're going to practice a religion founded by Jesus of Nazareth or simply respect him as a moral leader, you should know more about the man. So, here is a little debunking of my least favorite Christian myths.

1. Jesus was an unmarried rabbi. That's an oxymoron. Either he was a rabbi or he was unmarried. You couldn't be both in the first century. All Jewish males were expected to marry between the ages of 18 and 20, with a limited extension granted for students of the law. Failing to marry was considered a horrible sin by first century Jews, with the exception of some of the Essenes, who were waiting for the end times. Anyway, a man who was not yet married didn't have the moral or social standing to be made a rabbi according to Jewish tradition.

There were extremely rare cases of religious scholars not being married but this provoked huge controversies. If Jesus had somehow been celibate and a rabbi, one of the many texts about him would be expected to explain how Jesus could be celibate but not be committing a grievous sin. We would especially expect to see this where Jesus himself discusses various types of "eunuchs," including those limited few who chose celibacy, and asked the people to be more understanding of these types of people.

2. Jesus was an Essene. FALSE. His actions and teachings, as described in multiple texts, violated the basic principles of Essene teachings. For instance, Essenes were forbidden to worship in the temple or the synagogues, to eat meat, to carry out even the simplest act on the Sabbath, to commit any act of violence whatsoever, and to have any physical contact with women who weren't related to them. If Jesus had been an Essene, he would have been kicked out of the community, especially since he openly condemned many of the Essene principles.

3. Jesus was poor. Highly unlikely given his obvious education, his family's very expensive trip to Egypt, his connections to prominent citizens and the fact that he traveled with a treasurer. Considering his family background and what we know of his life, he was middle class at worst before beginning his ministry. However, he chose a life far less prosperous and secure than he would have had at home.

4. Jesus was illiterate. Not even remotely possible. Some people interpret the fact that he didn't write his teachings as proof of his illiteracy. No rabbi living at that time wrote his teachings down. They were always passed through oral tradition and were later written down only after the Romans exiled the Jews, making written texts a necessity for the now-scattered Jewish community.

5. Jesus execution was unique in its brutality. Not even close. The quick manner in which Jesus died was the unique part. Scourging then crucifixion was THE major form of execution in Roman-occupied territories. Usually, the Romans made every effort to extend the period of crucifixion for days if not weeks. Some scholars theorize that some injury from his fall or some other factor hastened Jesus' death on the cross so that he died within hours. Or that he was actually killed when the Roman soldier speared him to see if he was still alive.

There are so many more obvious defects in the way some people interpret certain teachings and events, but I'll stick with these top 5.

How NOT to Convert People...

Anyone who knows me probably knows that I've always found the preferred forms of proselytizing irritating at best and blasphemous at worst. So, imagine my annoyance that I now can't go to the store without this woman, who is always blocking the pathway leading to the store these days, shoving religious tracts into my hand with a brief "I want to give you this." Yes, six words and the word of G-d being treated as if it's an ad for a sale on toilet paper are going to make me rethink my entire religious outlook instantaneously.

Other things that make me want to convert:

*A giant, poorly constructed wooden cross with a sound system/microphone embedded in it so a so-called minister can spout inanities into it in the middle of a Mardi Gras crowd.
*Seeing a so-called man of G-d stand in the pre-scheduled path of a Mardi Gras walking crew with said cross, then deck a member of the crew for prancing near him.
*Short, greasy pedophile-looking guys getting in my face about how Christians are the new Israel and Jews are going to hell.
*People make a big show of praying in the streets, b/c they obviously didn't read Jesus of Nazareth's opinion on praying in the streets or decided it didn't apply to them.
*People saying, "It's okay if you're Jewish. Jesus was a Jew. He was a rabbi." (A tip: You can't say Jesus was a rabbi AND that he never married. Those two things were mutually exclusive until recently.)
*People trying to preach about a religion while otherwise being completely ignorant of the religion/culture of the man who founded it.
*People saying, "Either everything Jesus said was true and he is G-d or he was the biggest liar in history. So, are you calling Jesus a liar?" This one is my biggest pet peeves, b/c I don't know many people stupid enough to change their religious outlook entirely because they're worried about calling someone who died nearly 2,000 years ago a liar. Also, b/c we don't know exactly what he said as there are no contemporaneous records and shouldn't have been. (Rabbinic teachings weren't written down until the late first century. So, Jesus wasn't "illiterate" just b/c he didn't write down his teachings.) Instead, we have multiple conflicting accounts written decades later. I respect those who follow those teachings, but I don't have to choose between accepting every word written by someone who never met the man (completely stripped from all other evidence) or calling Jesus himself a liar.

There are so many more that I really shouldn't go on, but I think you get the picture. I'm not converting, so stop bugging me already.

This Boy Rocks!

Stupid Politicians!

Digby and Greenwald have excellent posts on the Republic and Democratic politicians' exaggerated fear of keeping terrorists in American prisons, as well as the MSM's complicity in the lies and fearmongering. I have two questions:

Why is it that suspected terrorists get fewer legal protections and less humane treatment than the men we KNOW planned, organized and carried out the brutal occupation of most of Europe, the enslavement of millions and the carefully executed murder of 12 million people (6 million of them Jews) in the Holocaust? Are we saying that Afghan shepherds are more dangerous and less human than genocidal, warmongering maniacs like Goering?

Nerdgasm!

There's now a Transformers USB stick! Go see!

Also, I WANT! Thank goodness I'm broke or I'd be spending the bank on toys all the time.

New Favorite Quote of the Week

"Get a taste of religion. Lick a witch." (Seen on AfterEllen's comments.)

I've so done that!

Star Trek Rocked!

Loved the new Star Trek, though certain scenes would have been much better if a certain person hadn't told me WAY too much about the plot and certain scenes. I HATE spoilers. It's hard to get excited or be surprised when you know what's coming or when you're wondering when such and such is going to happen.

Anyway, I won't ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it, but it is probably up there with some of the best Star Trek movies.

Choctaw Women Are Hot!

Okay, some of these people are obviously mixed, but I think they got the hot from the Choctaw blood!

Stickball: Little Brother of War

Because white people sports are for pussies!

A Different Shade of Pale

Did you know that I'm a "woman of color"? I didn't until I got involved in a HUGE debate on AfterEllen's Hot 100 Women of Color List.

Now, those of you who have met me or seen a picture of me know that I am PALE, so pale that I can't actually tan. I burn. Then I go white again. That little fact has always been the bane of my existence. I wanted the tan and I never thought it was fair that my half-sister, who is way more white than I am, was born dark and that my other half-siblings (minus one) have no problem getting a tan.

It's also caused the little problem that people who don't know better get this really stupid look on their faces when I tell them I'm not white. I guess that must be a confusing statement coming from someone with pale skin, blue eyes and well, whatever color hair I have that week. (Okay, I'm a natural blonde, but my hair has darkened with age, so at least it isn't white blonde anymore, except for a few stubborn streaks that I hide or dye.) I think most people think I'm one of those white people who are so obsessed with Native Americans that they claim to have some distant Native relative, usually Cherokee. (I swear either those people are lying or the Cherokee are totally whores who'll sleep with anything!)

Anyway, I think some people think I'm making it up when I tell them my actual grandparents were Choctaw. Sometimes, I break out the picture of the former Chief of the Choctaw so they can see the facial resemblance.



That picture is no use to anyone who hasn't seen me, but the rest of you know the score. Chief Philip would fit right in at Melinda's family reunions.

People who think I'm "making it up" are, therefore, too ignorant to know what the Choctaw look like and too stupid to realize that many biracial people look like the lighter race, especially if they're mixed on both sides of their families. Take this set of twins, for example:



Anyway, back to the point. My racial background has been a big bone of contention, as you can imagine, with a lot of people feeling they had the right to "define" me and consider the facts and my opinion on the matter irrelevant. I identify as biracial or mixed blood, but I don't know that I'd ever use the term "woman of color" to describe myself. Well, there was this one time in grad school I considered attending a meeting for "people of color" because I thought it would be funny to see the looks on people's faces.

By the definitions used to compose the list, however, I'm a "woman of color." I don't know if I'll go around telling people that, but it is kind of cool.

New Favorite Gay Word:

Qweerties! Definition: queer computer nerds. Look at your keyboard, you'll get why it's funny. If not, just go to the link and read the explanation in the comments.

UPDATE: And my new favorite nerd joke:

Why do computer programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct(31)=Dec(25)

Love Ya, Mom!

Since it's Mother's Day, I've been thinking about my mother. And yes, I spoke to her today. My mom is kind of a mixed bag. We won't rehash old history, but there's lots of bad in the past. I'll focus on the good, the weird and the downright TMFI today, just cuz.

The Good:

When I came out to my mother, I pretty much said "Mom, I'm gay." and ran out the door. I managed not to speak to her for a week, because I was sure she would judge me. Instead, when I asked her about what she felt about what I'd said, she told me she didn't remember. I repeated, "Mom, I'm gay." Mom said, "No! Really?" in this really exaggerated, sarcastic tone. Then, she said, "Sweetie, have you met yourself? I knew you were gay in elementary school!" Later, she started telling me about her gay friend and waking up in a dormitory for gay men after a night out on the town with him in the 70's. That was the coolest thing my mother has ever done.

My mom always wished I'd be more feminine, but she never expected me to be a traditional, submissive girl. My mother always thought it was stupid to think that you couldn't do something because you were female. (I'm sure it helped that she was a Louisiana State Trooper when there were very few women in uniform.) We were always expected to stand up for ourselves and to take no crap from anyone. In fact, she taught my sisters and me this little gem: If a man raises his hand to you, make sure it's the last time he raises his hand. My mom was definitely a royal bitch in the best way when it came to standing up to the men in her life. I'm proud of that.

When I converted to Judaism, despite being raised with the expectation that I'd become a minister, my mother was completely supportive. A bit too supportive at times. Though, to the good, at least she's stopped asking me to become a rabbi.

The Weird:

My mother calls me out of the blue to tell me weird and inappropriate jokes she hears on the radio or to ask if such and such a celebrity is a lesbian. No, I'm serious. I'll answer the phone and my mother's like, "Hey, Baby. It's Mom. I have a question for you. Is Rosie O'Donnell a lesbian?"

My mom is obsessed with Chihuahuas and always gives them Spanish names, because she apparently wants to respect their "ethnic heritage." She's learning Spanish now because she's dating a Mexican guy, so she's teaching her current Chihuahua to take commands in poorly pronounced Spanish and lets it play with a friend's dog who only speaks Spanish. So, now I get calls asking me how to say such and such a thing in Spanish and I have to figure out if it's for the boyfriend or the dog!

My mother's told me repeatedly about what my name would have been if... Like, she liked the name Kalinda, but didn't choose it because it had an a instead of an e. She wanted my sister Belinda's name and mine to be as close as possible. No, we're not twins. Kalinda, btw, means watermelon or something like that in Choctaw, which my mother knew when she considered naming me that. I'm kind of big-breasted. It would NOT have been funny. If I were a boy, my name would be Roger after my dad OR Lamont Desmond after the guy who played Lamont on Sanford and Son. My mother had a crush on Desmond Wilson, so she wanted to name her "son" after him.

The TMFI:

My mother insists on telling me whom she would date if she were a lesbian. I really don't need to hear my mother say, "I'd do k.d. lang. She's so sexy!" I also don't need to know that Rosie just really isn't her "type." Seriously, Mom. I love you, but keep it to yourself.

Anyway, Mom, if you've figured out how to Google yet without me walking you through it. I love you, but you're really freaking weird sometimes.

Mystery Smell...

So, I have this weird "something died" smell in my apartment. The trash has long since been taken out, the kitchen sink cleaned, all dishes washed, etc. I've now located the smell as possibly coming from the living room and maybe the heating/AC unit. I swear if a mouse or something died in there, I'm moving out.

(We had this problem in my apartment in NYC. The exterminators put something out for mice and one died in the wall. This one part of the hall stank for months.)

Moms Are Funny

I just discovered Postcards from Yo Momma, which is a collection of strange/funny messages people get from their mothers. This is my favorite so far:

Sweetie, you’re a Taurus- it’s time you finally started acting like it and the bitch I raised you to be. Call me if you need me.

That could have been written by my mother.

UPDATE: This one is freaking hilarious!

Mom: Movie time - yeah! We’re starting with “Debbie Does Dallas”. Sounds weird. Tonight is double feature; don’t know what’s next. lv u
[2 hours later]
Mom: Well, that was an eye opener if I say so myself. 2nd feature is Gidget Goes to Hawaii. lv u
Me: are u kidding or have you been replaced by pod people?
[2 hours after that]
Mom: Well, debbie and gidget live very different lives. From now on I’m leaving the movie choices to your dad.

Reminds me of the time my mother bought me what she thought was a science fiction movie. I asked a friend if he wanted to come over and watch it with me, because it looked (from the cover) like it was going to be some crappy B-movie we could laugh at. Yeah, it was porn about aliens coming to earth to "explore humanity." I'm still traumatized. My mother bought me porn.

So, What's Up With Me?

I haven't said much about myself lately, so here goes.

I got my victory present from Stacey, which to be honest, was a bit disappointing. Now, don't get me wrong. A Blockbuster gift card is awesome, considering how many movies I rent. But I had forgotten all about it. So, when I opened my mail yesterday and saw an envelope from Stacey, I thought it was new Ace pictures for my cubicle as a gift for my recent birthday. I was very excited. Ace pictures would have been waaaaaaaay better than a gift card. HINT...

I haven't been back to the doctor's yet for the B12 thing. I've been so swamped at work, with no back-up if I take off, so I've been putting it off. I think it's time. The pain and exhaustion aren't going away as much as they should, so I guess I'll be doing the injections.

Work sucks, as usual. My coworkers keep asking me why I'm there considering how "brilliant" and "extremely talented" I am, their words. Yes, I know my job isn't good enough for me. My family reminds me of that often enough. But people don't realize how hard it would be to take a job in my chosen profession with this kind of disability, especially since the benefits (including health insurance) wouldn't be as good as the government provides. Of course, my pay would probably be better and I'd get more than a condescending pat on the head when I pull off a miracle of epic proportions, which I'm called upon to do regularly in my current job. I keep telling these people that not all Jews walk on water.

Anyway, I'm trying to find a way out, which isn't easy in the current job market. I'm not the only one, either. A lot of people are looking to get out as soon as possible. Morale is in the toilet as I'm sure you can imagine. It's only going to get worse. Management is studying the matter, trying to modify the personnel system to reward skill and accomplishment so that we attract more qualified people and can retain the ones we have. This "study" alone is supposed to take two years. From the scuttlebutt, they don't have two years before some of the best employees go running for the hills.

Yes, I know I shouldn't be talking about my job, but they know this stuff already. I haven't made a secret of the fact that I'm overqualified, overworked and underpaid. They haven't either. Apparently, I'm a great bargain. Yes, someone actually had the nerve to tell me that they're protecting my job because they get more/better work out of me for less money than they pay their screw-up friends. Another one had the nerve to tell me that "merit isn't the standard" around there. Yes, you really want to admit that you're not judging your employees based on their merits (as if the whole world doesn't already know that merit isn't even A standard around there).

Other than work, life is pretty boring. It's just errands and bills and household maintenance. Then, TV, movies and the internet. The Sick doesn't exactly allow me the energy to do what I want to do after I'm finished doing what I have to do. But, there are hot Spanish lesbians on TV, so I'm good.

More Reasons to Love Spain

Bad way to end the date with the ex-wife you're trying to win back: having her get an allergic reaction to the honey in the chocolate massage oil. Good way to end the date: getting it on in the hospital afterwards.



I'd love to go to that hospital!

Why I Want to Move to Spain...

Best Name for Swine Flu...

HAMTHRAX!

Saw that on AfterEllen this morning and almost lost it.

News!

Maine has become the fifth state to legalize gay marriage and the second to do so by legislative action!

The bill to legalize gay marriage has passed the New Hampshire House and Senate and it's just up to the governor now.

Gay marriage legislation has been introduced in New Jersey and will hit the floor next week in New York.

DC Mayor Adrian Fenty has signed into law the bill that would recognize gay marriages performed in other states. Because DC is under federal jurisdiction, the law must be approved by Congress.

We still await the California Supreme Court ruling on the constitutionality of Prop. 8 and whether legally married gay couples will be "divorced by popular demand" due to the vote there in November.

Hope is in the air.

Mis Novias Imaginarias

I know that Cinco de Mayo is a Mexican holiday, but lately I'm in LOVE with Spain. I've become obsessed with two great Spanish programs, Los Hombres de Paco and Hospital Central, that have lesbian couples amongst their casts of characters. Fortunately, they're both in the Castillian dialect, so I understand almost everything. The technical/medical language still flies past me at times, but that happens in English too. Anyway, these three women have made me wish I could move to Spain and find myself a nice Sephardi girlfriend.

For instance, Laura Sanchez:



She plays Pepa in Los Hombres de Paco. Pepa's character is a lesbian cop in love with Silvia, the doctor of forensics assigned to the precinct.

And Silvia is played by the amazing Marian Aguilera:



On Hospital Central, we have Maca, a pediatrician played by the fantastically sexy Patricia Vico:



Aren't they gorgeous? What really chaps my hide though is that Spain can have these kinds of well-written, well-acted portrayals of lesbians on their equivalent of primetime, network television, but on American TV, lesbians are nearing extinction and those that do exist aren't exactly Emmy material (or on screen very much at all). American TV sucks ass!

The Universe Has Been Listening...

To my wet dreams, apparently. Because this woman:



Whom you may remember as:



IS FREAKIN' GAY, BABY! That's right! The awesome, amazing, gorgeous Kelly McGillis has come out as a lesbian! So there, Bitches!