Noooooooooooo!

I'm so not happy. Why? Because this:





is my baby niece. Where did my little niece go? Who the hell is this... this... woman?! It sucks when they grow up.

Why? Why? Why?

Why would the freakin' New York Times publish Daphne Merkin's anti-woman, anti-gay claptrap? I'm all for diversity of opinion. In fact, my dream is to publish a magazine that takes one "issue" per issue (heh) and covers it from as many angles and viewpoints as possible. But this is so wrong, it's not even funny. Rachel Maddow should kick her ass!

By the way, "merkin" means "vagina wig." Really, it does. Ask Jenny. (Or anyone who watches "The L Word.")

Rock on!

There's a lesbian gaming site: LesbianGamers.com One of the reasons I've always preferred live-action RPG over video games is that in video games, I always had to play either male or bimbo. Maybe these ladies will come up with something that'll let me go back to getting my game on.

LOSERS!

Apparently, I'm a great hobby for people who have no f*cking lives. I lodged a complaint with DU, but I doubt that'll stop them.

Sarah Haskins is teh awesome...

This woman is hilarous! These two are a little old, but they're two of my favorites.

Hey, People!

I don't care if you're gay, straight, bi or whatevs. Just go to this page and vote for Mimi Gonzalez. She's amazing! Really. I saw her show and nearly killed myself laughing. So, go. Now!!!!!!!!

Old Jews Telling Jokes

Hilarious! These guys remind me of this old guy at my temple in New Orleans who would commandeer me after services and start telling horrible jokes. Funny, but not the kind that good Jews are supposed to tell in the temple if you know what I mean.

F**k My Life...

Had a bad day? Need to feel better. After reading this, you'll feel a bit better about your own life. Or you can join in and make other people feel better about theirs.

I Lego NY

This is pretty funny if you've ever lived in or been to NYC.

This Is Why You're Fat

Who eats this stuff? Okay, I could see eating a deep fried cupcake minus the chocolate, but the rest...ewwwwwwwww.

When Jerkwads Attack!

These people need a f*cking life! 2 1/2 years later and they're doing a f*cking poll about me! Seriously. The truly pathetic thing is that none of them have reading comprehension enough to know that I didn't make the claims they're attributing to me.

Melinda's Rules for Women

Okay, so you might notice a wide range of women taking the spot of my "imaginary girlfriend" of the week or month or moment. Some are traditionally gorgeous. Some... not so much, at least in the traditional sense. I think they're all hot. Why?

Because unlike some people (ahem), I think hotness is more than just meeting some set standard. I add hot points for brains, talent, sense of humor, math ability, etc. Now, don't get me wrong. As even the meanie admits, I've dated my share of absolutely gorgeous women by traditional standards. But I also find myself unbelievably attracted to a woman who may not have even raised one of my eyebrows at first. I see a woman and think, "meh, cute but not quite" then I get to know her. If she has those certain personality traits, I can't help myself and pretty soon it's hard for me to remember why she got the "meh" in the first place. This goes for real women and characters.

By the way, I'm also very protective of my women-folk too, so watch it or I'll send my imaginary girlfriend Mossad Officer Ziva David after you:

Okay, I Googled...

And you are a mean, mean lady, Stacey Spiehler!

My Language Skills Rock!

Since Stacey insists on mocking my French-speaking skills, I must defend myself.

What happened is this. In college, I met this guy from Morocco who had moved into the dorm room across from mine. He seemed like a pretty cool guy, so I told Stacey she should meet him. I was NOT thinking in terms of setting them up. Anyway, I was joking around and told him that Stacey was hot (in English). Apparently, the literal translation of that into French turned into "Stacey is horny." in his pervy head. He laughed and told me to leave the room. I thought he was joking around so I stepped out, but when I turned around, the door was closed and locked. Long story short, Stacey ended up dating the guy for a short while and he turned out to be a bit freaky.

Now, at this time, I had only had about 1 or 2 full semesters of French, so my skills were still a bit limited and I discovered a strange thing about my language abilities. For some reason, I carry my second language (Spanish) over when I learn new languages. So, instead of having an American accent, I speak with a Spanish accent and cadence in the new languages. I've done this with both French and Hebrew. I've managed to get rid of it for the most part after a lot more practice and the French speaking ladies have told me I have a lovely accent, very impressive for an American. (In fact, one French professor thanked me in the middle of an oral exam for proving that Americans can pronounce French correctly.) I do tend, however, to think it's funny to exaggerate the accent a bit when being a smart-ass, but my skills are just fine now. However, since someone made me paranoid about my speaking skills for a long time (ahem, Stacey), I didn't get as much conversational practice as I should have and so, I understand, read and write French much more fluently than I speak it.

Speaking of language skills, though, I have a kind of funny story. I was at a buffet restaurant with a coworker when two guys in suits walked in and stood behind us at the register. They started speaking in Hebrew. Now, although I pray in Hebrew, my grasp of the modern language is a bit limited. I could pick up enough to tell that they were speaking Hebrew but that's it. So, I turned to my coworker and noted how unusual it was to hear that particular language where we live. Suddenly, the guys stopped talking and walked out. Did I "bust" someone unintentionally? Mossad, maybe? They did have this whole Secret Service/FBI kind of vibe to them. That should be my superhero identity: Melinda the Spy Buster! Anyway, I cracked up because they weren't very subtle with the turn and run! If I had "busted" them, they could have been a bit more discrete.

My Hottie in Real Life

So there!

In Which the Universe Steals My Woman

So, I have had a bit of a talent-crush on Sally Hawkins for quite some time. Okay, there's a little physical there too, because she's just adorable. Anyway, I've been a fan since long before anyone ever heard of Happy Go Lucky and therefore, long before most Americans had ever heard of her. I've seen many of her films and try to track down as many as become available in the U.S. The woman is unbelievably talented and has played a lesbian twice that I know of (major points there). Oddly, she was also born on the exact same day as yours truly, which means she must be awesome.

Plus, as mentioned before, she's adorable:



Anyway, Sally has lost a little bit of weight lately. A lot, actually. While she's still a lovely lady, there's a bit of a problem. As she gets thinner, she looks more and more like a brunette version of... MY SISTER! Ewwwww... Gross!

The Universe can suck mine!

Boooooooooring!

I've been rereading this blog. The Sick has made me very, very boring. Must find sense of humor again. Will look under couch and get back to you.

Freaks!

A very long time ago I did a post about scientists creating a certain female body part in the lab. That post is still drawing pervs everywhere to this site. Just what I wanted to be known for, seriously.

How Flattering

A coworker compared me to Abby from NCIS, because I'm all techy and out there. (Not because of the looks. I so freaking wish! She's hella hot.) I've tried adding a pic but Blogger is bonkers at the moment.

UPDATE: Okay, here she is:



I am so hot for Abby. On the ten point scale, being a scientist of any kind gets you an automatic 5 points. (Of course, being a theoretical physicist gets you 6. And being a string theorist, well... that gets you knocked down to 4 automatic hot points. You have to earn the rest and no, you can't earn hot points by making up equations with infinite solutions. Deal.)

I Hate My Body...

So, my thyroid hormone came back normal this time. My B12 is very low so I have to take high dose B12 (orally now, by injection if the pills don't work). But that doesn't explain the pain or many other symptoms that seemed to fit hypothyroidism quite well. More blood tests in a month. Until then, I'm stacking up on the pills I have to take. We're up to: Verapamil, Atenolol, Naproxen, Omega3, L-arganine, and high dose B12. I'm going to have to get one of those pill organizers to keep it all straight.

And I'm fucking 32!

UPDATE: Apparently, the B12 deficiency causes more of the symptoms than I realized. Wish me luck.

What Gay Marriage Would Look Like...

Grrrrrrrrr.......

So, hypothyroidism is looking more and more like a real possibility. I'll get test results in the coming week, but I've been discussing the issue with a friend/coworker who was diagnosed 2 months ago. I'm telling you, there's something really screwed up about this office that we all keep getting sick! I mean, what are the odds that two young people who work within 15 feet of each other would be diagnosed with the same illness of this type within 2 months? Strange.

The good news is that things that I thought were side effects of my heart meds/signs of the worsening of my heart condition might be the hypothyroidism and could be cured with treatment. That would be really freaking nice. (Friends, Melinda hair may be making a comeback!)

So Fucking Sad!

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Brain Fart...

How fucked up is it that my job includes being a webmaster and knowing all kinds of technical/software-type gobbledygook (like explaining the limitations of GPS when it comes to mapping and tagging 3 dimensional space for a new web application in development), YET I don't twitter or text message or have a cell phone or a blackberry? And don't want to?

Okay, there are a couple of people I might consider twitter-pating or whatever, but then I'd never get anything done.

UPDATE: I should probably explain my little GPS comment for the nerds. My "organization" is developing a web app that will allow centralized profiles for our "customers" across multiple types of accounts. For one service, IT is creating a pilot version of the app that will tag accounts based on the GPS coordinates of the associated address to determine whether a person has a right to that service.

A "know-it-all" who knows far less than "it all" decided to explain to a committee how this pilot will carry over to other types of accounts. Problem is, GPS coordinates won't work for the other types of accounts, considering other functions will have to break down to unit/suite/apartment numbers. While some GPS systems offer elevation information, we'd literally have to go to every unit/suite/apartment in our "coverage area" to get their exact 3 dimensional GPS coordinates with enough leeway to ensure that the imprecise nature of GPS doesn't overlap the actual coordinates of one with the erroneous coordinates of another. Not going to work.

He kept trying to insist that this is how the application would function even after an IT guy and I spent many minutes explaining that it wasn't technologically feasible for anything other than the one service that only required basic longitude/latitude tags. (I felt like screaming: Bitch, I know my technobabble! Just shut up and sit down!)

Strange Coincidences

I've realized that I've dated, fallen for or slept with women that look quite a bit like my childhood imaginary girlfriends without actually realizing it at the time. Calling Dr. Freud!

(Yes, I realize that Freud was a nutter who didn't have the slightest idea what he was talking about.)

Flashback! Imaginary Girlfriend Edition

In which Melinda takes a trip down lesbo memory lane to get her mind off the pain! So deal...

My first imaginary girlfriend, Lady Aberlin:



NOTE: They made Betty Aberlin wear a muumuu to cover her hotness. They failed!

My second imaginary girlfriend, Maria:



NOTE: I was so ticked when Maria married Luis! (Yes, it was 1988 and I was 12. I had to watch Sesame Street with my nephews and niece.)

My third imaginary girlfriend, Jo Polniaczek:



NOTE: In elementary school, I used to fantasize about taking long motorcycle rides with Jo. For some strange reason, I never had my OWN motorcycle in these little daydreams. I was always on the back of Jo's. Coincidence? I think not.

My fourth imaginary girlfriend, Private Benjamin (the TV version):



NOTE: Lorna Patterson also converted to Judaism. That way, we can get imaginary married and she can have my imaginary children.

Finally, my fifth imaginary girlfriend, D'ana aka Diana:



NOTE: She was a coldblooded, mouse-eating, reptilian bitch but I loved her. What can I say?

Doctors Suck!

So, life is pretty miserable when you're decrepit. There's all sorts of things you can't do because they screw with your disease or make your hands and feet turn funny colors. Or they give you migraines so bad you could end up throwing up and passing out. I've spent much of my life lately confined to my office or my apartment, especially in the winter months.

Like any good New Orleanian, I have taken comfort in knowing that I could still eat myself some good food. Not too much food. I eat about twice a day and usually don't finish a standard-sized restaurant meal. But good food, especially when Asma from work brings me home-cooked Indian. Apparently, I was enjoying eating too much, so the universe has decided to take it away from me.

I went to the doc today for yet another round of let's find out why Melinda's been in pain for way too fucking long now. My doc was out of town so I saw one of her partners. Anyway...

My HDL cholesterol is too low. My LDL cholesterol and triglycerides are high. My thyroid hormone is suspicious.

Soooooooo, I have to stop eating things that taste good. Wait for the results of more blood tests on my hormones and blood vitamin levels. Quit smoking. (Duh! I've been trying. It's hard without my big hairy Italian cheering section.) Exercise a little more (which is so easy when you're fatigued and in pain and your big hairy Italian cheering section is 1,000 miles away). Go back to taking nasty ass Omega 3 supplements. Pop a daily vitamin. Take an anti-inflammatory twice a day just to see if it works. And go back in a couple of weeks to find out what kind of specialist they'll be sending me to. (Yes, I end sentences with a preposition. Deal with it, grammar bitches.)

But there are good things. Must focus on good things:

1. Pint Size and Ace are kicking ass on the walking thing! (And occasionally, people actually post video of the awesomeness. HINT)
2. There are hints that my upcoming review will be good and my job isn't going anywhere anytime soon. More on that off-blog if you want it.
3. My nephew Anthony turned 17, got his driver's license and is behaving his damned self. He's also shooting handguns in competition and wants to be a cop. He promises he won't run after any criminals, just send his dog after them.
4. My mother might bring my 15-year-old niece up to visit me for the summer.
5. I have an I.O.U. for some awesome sperm if I ever find a receptacle for Melinda 2.0.
6. Elaine Cassidy will be coming to American television on April 9 on CBS.
7. Eliza Dushku will be back on TV in tight leather. YUM!
8. Chuck's back with my imaginary girlfriend.
9. Lucy Lawless kissed a girl and I think she liked it!
10. Clementine Ford has kissed a girl and she definitely liked it!

We'll Be Taking Your Xena, Too...

'K thx bye.

Bwahahahahaha!

All your hotties are belong to us! Suck it, straight people!



That's right. Clementine Ford, daughter of the wonderful Cybill Shepherd, has blown open the closet door. So, once again. Suck it, straight people!

Happy Robbie Gras, Everybody!

Today, the sun has completed its 39th orbit of our fearless leader. So, get out there and celebrate. Someone drink a really big beer for me!

OH! The Stupidity!

A couple of articles have shown up on Broadsheet (Salon) this week that are really getting me steamed! One involves the minority of women who are angry that their husbands don't do enough with the kids or around the house. The other involves a small group of women who decided to become single mothers in their 40's. Both of these articles and the comments to them are interpreting these "trends" as women being horrible harpies who think men are unnecessary, evil, stupid, lazy, etc. It's always the woman's fault. It's also always feminism's fault. Ugh!

In the first case, sometimes it is the woman's fault. Other times, it's the man's fault. In some cases, it's probably both the woman's and the man's fault. So, these people just need to get over it.

In the case of the second article, the response really chaps my hide. Not having a biological father in the house doesn't mean you hate men or think men are unnecessary. Not dating when you're a single mother doesn't mean that either. Obviously, as mentioned in the original article, there are all kinds of reasons that women end up in these situations and all sorts of reasons that they choose to stay in them. None of the women interviewed seem to hate men. Some talk about having their fathers, brothers, and male friends help with the male role model thing. Obviously, they don't think men are unnecessary or evil. But none of that matters to the Broadsheet "writers" or their audience. Women are just bitches!

Why am I so touchy on this? I don't have kids and never will. Well, there was a time in my life when I thought often of having a wife and a mini-Mel or two. As a lesbian, my options are a bit limited.

My ideal option, in my mind, was to ask one of my friends to be the dad (not the donor). Obviously, I'm not asking that he sleep with my woman so there'd be a turkey baster involved in conception. I even imaged the asking part and the uproarious laughter that would greet the original question. I think one or two would say yes. Maybe one or two would decline for any number of reasons. But my guy friends are amazing men and those who have children (biological or otherwise) are amazing dads. My kid would be very lucky indeed.

Let's say they all said no. There'd be no man in the house and no biological father around. But my kid (adopted or otherwise) would still be lucky to be surrounded by great men and women. (I'd definitely move back to Louisiana if I were going to do the kid thing.)

He or she would have a lot of fun climbing on Uncle Rob or chasing Uncle Drew around or getting thrown around by Uncle Don. Aunts Silverfox and Stacey could keep me from going nuts while mocking me mercilessly (the byatches). My brothers and sisters would take their revenge by spoiling my kid and teaching him or her annoying habits and cheesy jokes.

I'm more than capable of teaching him or her about the important things in life: sports (at least some of them), science fiction, D&D, great and not-so-great film, cooking and how to pick up women without really trying. My friends could help teach him or her the other important things: Rock Band, WoW, Magic, frying random edibles, Laser Tag, RPG, managing to be a responsible adult and a big kid all at once, etc. My sisters and/or wife can teach her about being girly if that's absolutely necessary. Someone (not me) could talk to my son about his winky and its needs. Hell, someone (not me) could talk to my daughter about her hoohoo and its needs. My kid would not be suffering in the absence of a man in the house.

And I am not a man-hating bitch who thinks the male half of the species can go get frelled. So, screw those jackasses!

Captain Random's News & Information

Still no word on what's causing the pain in my legs. It's not as bad as it was, but is still there. Suckage!

I have now seen Lucy Lawless make out with another woman, so my life is complete and I can die a happy woman.

I think advertisers have forgotten the whole point of "targeted marketing." I keep seeing hetero-oriented ads for male enhancement on Logo (the gay channel) during lesbian shows and movies. What a waste of cash!

There may be a Reduction In Force or RIF at my job at the beginning of FY 2010, which begins on July 1. Since I have NO seniority and am misclassified, I may be one of the first to go. A few coworkers are already dancing on my grave. So, don't be surprised if I show up with a pillow and a bottle of vodka and ask to sleep on your couch.

I have decided that my lesbian tendencies can be traced back to Lady Aberlin on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. So this would be my very first imaginary girlfriend:



Yes, I noticed the similarity. No, I think it's a coincidence OR proof that I've always liked a certain type of woman. Get over it!